Empty spaces
by icedteaandlemoncake
Summary: 'you never minded showing us the stars, and then showing us how blind and unaware of you we are.'
1. I'm Not Scared

There's so much more than empty conversations filled with empty words – switchfoot

After the bus went by, and she remembered exactly where she was, Effie ran. It all flooded back in her brain too fast to control. Tony talking on his phone, in the middle of the road. Dark, silent, then that bus, and him in her arms. She shouldn't have picked him up like that, in fact she could have been the one who injured him but he was bleeding, her big brother was bleeding, and she needed to hold him. She wasn't even thinking about it she just gathered him up. Oh, his face. Effie screamed. She wanted his face gone- she couldn't handle that much. Not the roadburn, the blood dripping from his mouth, the lack of movement.

'COME ON COME ON COME ON! I'M NOT SCARED I'M NOT SCARED I'M NOT SCARED I'M NOT SCARED!' Fred and Cook heard, and upon their arrival she was standing in the middle of the road where he got hit. "EFFIE!" In response, Effie glanced at them, her makeup completely gone. Neither of them had ever seen that. Cars honked, swerved, flashed their brights and screamed at her to get out of the road. Fred cursed. 'Come ON, EFFIE!' Cook quickly got out his cell-phone, calling Sid.

'Come get us, please. We're like ten minutes away. Outside of the pub. Yes…the pub. Come on, Sid. We don't know how else we're going to get her home. Thank you.' It gave them a little bit of comfort that Sid would be there. Then the traffic lulled, nearly to a stop. The noise, the people, everything was gone. Effie screamed again, choking on tears. 'I'm not SCARED!' Fred lunged forward to grab her, but Cook held him back, staring at her.

''What the fuck?' In response he put his finger to his lips. Then she stepped to the side and they just let her stand there until the headlights shone, when Fred lunged at her and grabbed her, tumbling to the safe ground with her.

'Effie Effie Effie Effie…' he kept repeating, holding back the screams, the yells, the desire to shake her and ask her what she could've possibly been thinking.

She had her hand covering her face and he kissed it again and again until she would relax and then he kissed her forehead, pulled her up to a sitting position and cradled him. Sid's car slowed to a stop and both Sid and Cassie got out. They all picked up Effie, helped her in, and Cassie held her head and stroked her hair, letting her fall asleep, while Fred held the rest of her so tight that she might disappear if he let go. Sid didn't ask, he just dialed Tony's phone number and put it on speaker.

"Sid?"

"Hey, Tony. Listen-"

"Since when are you back in Bristol? How the fuck are you?"

"Tony – it's Effie."

"What?"

"Effie. Can we bring her to your place?"

"Yes, I'm not there. But the key is under the doormat."

Hanging up, Fred piped up, 'It's not long now, Effie. Not long now." No one reminded him that she was sleeping. She woke up in time for them to walk her in and she looked around the apartment briefly before crying. "Here?" She asked Fred, as if she couldn't get any of the other words out. Fred nodded. "Yeah, here."

"Come on, Eff." Cassie slid her arm around her and took her to the bathroom to clean her up, coming out briefly to ask for a change of clothes, which Sid hurriedly picked out. Once on the couch and clean, she nestled up again into Fred, whose eyes darted around. Tony walked in the door, which is when Fred got up. Effie didn't even look at Tony who knelt before her and took her hand, kissing it as if she were a princess and he a peasant. Fred just shook his head and turned around, hurried out of the apartment. Cassie urged Sid, and he did follow him out. Tony, however, didn't blink, and rested his hand on the side of Effie's face, tilted her head toward him with his thumb. "Eff, it's me. It's me. I called Mom – you're staying here tonight." Effie just looked away and he got up and kissed her forehead, covered her with a blanket and let her be for the time being.


	2. Scrambled Eggs and Organized Closets

She wouldn't admit it, but Tony being here made everything go away. She hated him sometimes. All the time. But him just sitting here and not saying anything, just being there, made everything kind of slip away. "Why were you in the road, Eff?" He broke the silence.

She didn't answer for a while, so he just turned toward her, pointed his legs toward her, removed a lock of hair from the side of her face, tucked it behind her ear. "You wouldn't go away…" He furrowed his brow a bit. "You were there. I was on the street where it happened and you were there and it was bloody and your face wouldn't go away." And there it was again.

She hated him for making her talk about it. "Oh, Effie." He reached out for her hand but she just got up and walked into his kitchen. Not asking, she got out the eggs and the frying pan. Neither of them talked while she fried some eggs. "Are you mad at me, Effie?"

He didn't sound angry. He just…knew. She put the eggs on a plate on his shoddy excuse for a kitchen table and then, unexpectedly, threw the pan into the sink. "God DAMN you Tony." He got up and walked into the kitchen, standing protectively in front of the sink.

"So, that's a yes." She shook her head, then pummelled him.

Slapping, pulling his hair, punching. "Effie! Effie!" His job training at the mental hospital finally paid off for him – he turned her around swiftly, controlling her wrists, and held her close to his body. "Effie. Effie. It's me."

When she collapsed he held her upright, kissed her cheek as she started crying. She grabbed onto the kitchen counter for some stability and he let her stand on her feet. "The road, Tony? Seriously? The middle of the road?" He sighed, crossed his arms and leaned against the refridgerator. "What the hell, Tony?"

"You can't fix me, Effie."

"It worked. Admit it. It did. Mom didn't know how but I DID and I could-"

"Fix me? Effie-" She turned around angrily and he grabbed her arm to keep her from walking away.

"You didn't fix me."

She swung around at him, glared at him.

"You loved me, and you kept me from giving up, Effie. And you made sure I started recovering again. But you couldn't have fixed me. You couldn't have stopped that bus, either."

"I know. I'm not stupid."

He crossed his arms and gave her a look. Well then, why are you here? Why are you angry?

"I held you."

"Hmm?" He started washing the pan in the sink.

"When you got hit – when I got over to you. I held you. I think I…"

"Eff-"

"I think I did the damage because you're not supposed to hold people when they"

He dropped the pan and came over to her, wrapped her in his arms immediately.

"I wasn't supposed to move you!"

"You aren't the one who hurt me, Effie. A bus hit me."

"I know but I held you-"

"I know. Effie. Do you really think you're the one who injured me?"

She looked down, a bit to the side.

He kissed her forehead.

"It's over now, kid. I'm okay now. You"

he pushed her away from him and leaned down slightly to make sure they had eye contact-

"can stop beating yourself up. I'm okay now. And you didn't hurt me."

She shrugged, hugged him again.

"Now that that's over with…" He sat down at the table, digging into her eggs, generously, since she burnt them.

Sid texted Cassie that he wouldn't be home. He walked with Fred for a while, in step behind him. He could hear him crying, but he didn't want to embarrass or push him. Neither did he want to leave him alone, because it seemed everyone was on the edge that night. He'd come home from work that day to find Cassie on the linoleum in their kitchen, arranging all the canned food. She didn't even notice him, she was so transfixed.

What's worse, he hadn't noticed. They'd had sex every night for the past week and he hadn't noticed the lost weight. He'd been going out to dinner with everyone from work, assuming she was eating at home. Her eating disorder hadn't even been a big deal for them since they left Bristol the first time. Now he wondered how long she'd been hiding it. He wondered how he didn't notice it during sex.

Was he another one of those drones who just stared at the wall while fucking their wives? Wife. Yes. They eloped. He didn't want a wedding, she didn't really care either way. She wore a white dress, he wore a suit, in a room full of flowers they said their vows and kissed for the first time, finally together.

Now he wondered if he was neglecting her. Fred made it to the river on the court and sat down on the bench. Sid sat beside him, didn't say anything. But Fred kept crying, which was a bit awkward, because Sid didn't know whether to hug him. Fred never cried. Emotion for him simply wasn't something that happened.

He put his head in his arms, though, and stopped being quiet about it, even though he was fully aware that Sid was there. The sun came up beautifully, and Sid just put his hand on Fred's shoulder. Left it there. He was both shivering and shaking. At least ten minutes went by like that before Fred looked up and chuckled at Sid. "You want to get breakfast?" He nodded, and they walked, this time side by side, to the nearest diner.

"So, what are you going to do?" Sid broached, only after eating a full pancake in silence while Fred picked at his waffle. "Are you going to pick her up this morning from Tony's?" Fred shook his head. "Well, that's good. I mean, she hasn't spent time with her brother in a while…" Fred downed the entire glass of chocolate milk in front of him in about five seconds. "Is he going to section her? I mean I know she's been before but that could be considered a suicide attempt."

Fred shrugged. "Who knows."

"What do you mean, who knows? Do you want her to be sectioned?"

He shrugged.

"I don't…I mean, good for her, if she is, you know? But I've done this gig before. Twice, with her. I tried to keep her awake, Sid. I really did. And I do love her but I…" He sighed, put down his fork with a loud clank.

Sid nodded. It felt like they were holding a meeting of the Dysfunctional Girlfriends Club.

"I'm not a horrible person, Sid. I sound like one." Sid nodded emphatically.

"I know. So…then. What are you going to do?"

Fred wiped his eyes of the tears that developed and leaned back against the cushioned pleather of the booth. "My Dad's going on a road trip this afternoon. He invited me last week but I didn't want to go. I think I'm going this time."

Sid half smiled, nodded. He didn't think Fred was a horrible person for running. He doubted Effie would ever get over it, but when he found Cassie on the kitchen floor the night before, he understood the exact same feeling. Granted, Cassie had a ring on her finger, and he couldn't leave her. But sometimes, if someone offered him a plane ticket, he would take it.

Cassie was organizing the closet when he came home, though he checked the kitchen at first and everything was alphabetically organized. The fridge, too. All of his junk food was thrown away. "Casssiiieeeee…" He dropped his keys on the table and walked down the hallway to their room, where she was dancing to the music, turned up loud enough for their landlord to surely call later. And the closet looked perfect. Their shoes were both perfectly organized.

His hats were all neat and in a nice little design. He leaned against the wall for a minute before she noticed him, a gleeful smile on her face that disappeared the moment she looked at him. She quickly turned the music off. "Oh. Hi Sid."

"Cassie, why'd you throw the cheetos away?"

"Because. You shouldn't have cheetos here."

"We went over this, Cassie. You don't have to eat them."

"I know," she said in a shrill little voice, "but I have…" she lost her breath, and had to gasp for air, which had him instinctively coming closer to her, "to kiss you, and fuck you. And all those other nice things."

"No you…don't, if you don't want to."

"I have to do those things, and I have to do them," she turned around and looked at him. Her face was white. Scary white. Her lipstick looked especially dark against the white of her skin. "I have to do them knowing what is in your stomach."

"Cassie, please." He walked closer, grabbed her hand. Cold. "Cassie, you haven't eaten."

"It's…I…"

"You look like you're about to faint, Cassie. Please!"

She pulled away from him, turned the music up again, and started in on the t-shirts. They never seperated them. Of course, he never made the mistake of wearing hers. But it just felt better when their clothes were all mixed up together.

"CASSIE!" He yelled over the music.

Fuck, fuck fuck. She didn't say anything. He punched the wall. "FUCKING EAT!" He stormed out of the room and slammed the door to the bathroom behind him, turning on the shower water as hot as he could get it, stripping off his clothes. He couldn't make her eat. That was the worst thing.

He just wanted to make sure she wouldn't faint and he couldn't because then she wouldnt' sleep near him and wouldn't let him rub her back. And she just wouldn't eat. He sat down under the stream of water that made his skin itch. He couldn't make her fucking eat. While he thought himself stronger than Fred for sticking with Cassie, he understood the frustration. Fred couldn't keep Effie alive, he couldn't keep her from seeing the face of her brother lying on the ground bleeding.

He couldn't keep her from sinking. And Sid couldn't force food down Cassie's throat. He wanted to. God, he wanted to. He wanted to shake her and ask her if she knew just how much he loved her, but it didn't matter. She still wouldn't eat.

He turned off the shower to hear the door creak open. Cassie, in her lingerie. It fit a little loose now. When she bent over he could see under the bra cup the pale flesh of her breasts, her nipples which have always lured him toward her, until now. Now he just wanted to sit there and avoid them. She had a plate of chocolate. Probably from her secret box in the closet that he pretended didn't exist, because he didn't want to have yet another fight.

He sat with the water dripping off of him and she took off the bra with little effort. Jesus, she was losing weight. He cringed. He knew how much damage that would do. No, she wasn't sexy anymore. No, he didn't want to walk over and seduce her anymore.

He wanted to hold her. That was it. She was glaring when he looked back up, but she was also unwrapping the chocolate bar. And she started to eat it. Piece by piece. All while looking in his eyes.

With love. Revenge. Anger. Spite. Lust. Want.

He begged silently for her to stop this. But she continued, until the whole plate of chocolate bars was gone. And then she sat there. Determined, it seemed, to let her stomach absorb it. Tears ran down her face and he wanted to hold her so much. He got out of the tub, knelt down, slipping a little bit because of how wet he was. He crawled over to her, slipped his arm around her, pulled her toward him.

And for a while they lay like that, until he noticed her trembling. And he didn't hold her back when she moved away toward the toilet. He held her hair as she puked, but tears ran down his face as well. He rubbed her back and she cleaned her face off but then fell right back into his arms, crying this time. He just cradled her, kissed her forehead. Oh, how he wanted to get up, walk out, leave. But he just pulled her tighter toward him, and let his tears drop onto her skin. That was all he could do without being the worst husband in the world.


	3. The offering & The Ultimatum

Cassie wanted to prove something to Sid. That she was still sexy, still his wife, that he shouldn't leave her. So she kissed his cheek, ran her finger down his goosebumped arm, and lay down before him as if she were an offering. For a few minutes, he just looked down at her, running his eyes up and down her body. Hesitating. She then removed what little clothing she had on.

He got ontop of her, and just looked down at her again. It felt as if he was laying ontop of nothing, and it felt as if he would break her if he weren't careful. He looked up, pushing into her, and felt like maybe he wanted to break her. At least, break that part of her that was trying to self-destruct, pulling her so quickly away from God and himself. He wanted his wife back, so he did.

As he pushed harder, he stared up at the tiled wall and thought about breaking her. About how, with every thrust of his hips, that part of her broke some more. She put her hands on his face and tried to kiss him, tried to pull him down, but he'd just look back up, and push harder. He ignored her gasps, her crying, and he started crying too, frustrated. He would've pushed harder if he had more time, but it was over quickly, and he pushed himself off of her and lay beside her.

He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and listened to her crying. He felt bad, but he didn't know how else to let her know how worried he was. He didn't know what to say, or who to tell that something was going on. He didn't know how to comfort her. He got up, put his pants on, and went outside into the kitchen to see what he could wrangle up for dinner. She just lay where she was.

Effie enjoyed the afternoon with Tony – they sat around and talked, caught up. She didn't know why they had fallen apart- he had fallen apart from everyone after the accident. It was a struggle for him to be who he was without his physique, without the ability to do everything he once did. But after their second movie that they kinda, sorta watched, he turned off the screen and looked toward her. 'Effie, is the road thing going to happen again?" She didn't know what to say. "Tony, I wasn't trying to kill myself I promise." He looked at her for a minute, challenging her to tell him something else. "It wasn't!" Tony looked at her that way again.

"You weren't trying to get hit? Like I did?" She looked down. "I called Mom when Sid called me last night. She wants you sectioned. She thinks it's coming back." She stared at him incredously for a minute, shaking her head. "Effie?"

"That's not even…what? NO!"

"If the flashbacks are making you do that, Effie, yes, we have to. And…" he reached for her hand, but she stood up, and he just reached for her wrist and pulled up her sleeve, revealing the marks. She glared at him.

"Who told you?"  
"No one. I saw them when you were sleeping last night." She jerked her hand away and walked toward his front door which, last night, he had already locked.

"Please, Eff? I'll come visit you every day if that'll make you go."

\"I don't want to go back there!"

"Effie…"

"I'm not GOING! That's final! Where's Fred? He was supposed to pick me up by now." Tony didn't really know what to say. Sid had texted him, saying that Fred was headed out of town for a few weeks. He knew how overwhelming it probably was.

"He's…" Effie shook her head.

"No. He's not leaving me. You're wrong." Tony shrugged.

"Effie, we have to deal with this." They stared at each other for a good ten minutes, and she conceded.

"Fine, can I at least shower first?"

He nodded, gestured toward the bathroom in the hallway. Minutes later, they were in the car together, headed toward the hospital. Effie's breathing was shallow, and she lit a cigarette despite the rain outside, opened the window and took a long drag.

He took one hand off the wheel and gently took hers. They parked in front of the hospital and just waited. It was a different one, at least. Not like the last one. Effie was at least comforted by that. She was comforted that Tony took her and not a crisis team. But she still wanted to stay in his car forever. At least he was letting her stay for a while.

Sid didn't check the bathroom until before bed, when he went to brush his teeth, and noticed Cassie, curled up there, still naked. "Oh, Cass." He felt the stab of guilt too close. "Cassie…" He leaned over her gently sleeping form, and, too effortlessly, picked her up, kissing her forehead. He tip-toed toward the bedroom, and she woke up only enough to rest her head on his shoulder and her hand on his neck. He tucked her into bed gently, rested his forehead against hers, and prayed for some sign of what to do.

"I love you so much, Cassie," he murmured and kissed her lips, eyelids and forehead. Then he grabbed his cellphone and dialed Tony's number. "Hey, Tony…"his voice was shaky. And, for the first time since college, asked him for help.

Tony was stressed, and half wanted to tell Sid to bugger off, deal with it himself, that he kind of had his own family crisis to deal with. But he didn't. "What's going on, Sid?" He said, and both of them felt like nothing had ever happened to tear them apart in that moment. That everything was fixed.

"It's Cassie," Sid managed to get out through tears. "I don't know what to do, Tony. I can't get her to eat and it's breaking our marriage and I don't know what to do."

"Did you pray?" Sid didn't answer for a minute, because he was sobbing. "Yes. Yes. Yes."

Tony didn't know what to do, either, but for once in their relationship, he had the opportunity to tip the scales, to repay him. Sid had never done anything but rescue Tony, now he needed to repay that.

"Stay there. I'll be over in a minute."


	4. desperate prayers & the sexy white stick

Tony didn't knock, he just walked in and Sid was pacing the room. He was panicked. Tony grabbed his shoulders. "Sid. Sid." Sid fought him. His glasses were crooked and his face was red, his breath shallow, tears running down his face.

"I'm gonna – I'm gonna – I'm gonna leave- I can't- I can't – I'm not – I can't" Tony shook him –

"Sid! Fridge? Where's the fridge?"

Sid stopped, and gave him a weird look. "What..the..what?"

"Sid, where is the fridge?"

Sid pointed behind him, his breathe got more stable slowly. Tony arrived with two beers in his hand and sat down on the couch, patted the other cushion. "Sit down."

Sid obeyed, sitting beside him. He laughed as he took the beer from Tony. "Where's the fucking fridge."

He took off his glasses and rubbed the tears off of his face, sighed and leaned back on the couch. "She's sick again?" Sid nodded, took a generous sip of the beer.

"Worse."

"Have her sectioned, Sid. Or take her to hospital at least."

Sid scoffed. "She's been sectioned twice."

"Well…I mean…"

"I just…can't do this with her again, Tony. I love her. I love her I really do. But I can't…"

"That's not true. You can do this. Sid. You can." Sid just shrugged and took a sip of his beer.

Tony grabbed his hand, but didn't say anything. Sid put his head in his arms, closed his eyes, and started to pray. So did Tony. They prayed aloud for strength. Sid wept, got on his knees and wept, admitted his desperation.

Cassie heard the yelling – Sid freaking out, Tony calming him down. So she put on her nightgown and tip-toed out to the living room, sat in the doorway, just watched. Tony looked up at her while Tony knelt on the floor, crying, praying.

He nodded at her, she just looked down and away. She now knew a miniature version of what it felt like to be Effie, to see Tony's face and to know she did the damage. She stayed, though.

She stayed and watched. After a while, Sid stopped praying and just stayed like that, on his knees, his face and arms on the ground, glasses sitting neatly by his hands. Tony rubbed his back.

Then he got up, sat back on the couch, and glanced over at Cassie, then, without a word, at Tony. "Want another beer?" Tony nodded and smiled. Sid picked up his glasses and went into the kitchen, turning on the faucet, groaned and rinsed off his face, then returned to Tony with two more beers. Cassie winced as he didn't even acknowledge her walking back into the living room. She got up and went to the bathroom.

What Sid didn't notice before was the white stick on the sink that she had used before falling asleep. Cassie felt so, so stupid for not noticing that the gained weight wasn't because of her eating junk. The little pudge on her stomach tortured her. She didn't want to be naked around Sid, even. But they had sex, like, every day, so it wasn't an option. She snuck off to the store while he was at work and picked up the pregnancy test.

Hearing Tony's obnoxious laugh, she looked at herself in the mirror, then grabbed the stick. Pregnant. She shook her head and headed into her bedroom, put it on his side of the bed. She pulled her new pair of jeans on. She had bought them as motivation to lose the pudge of squishiness on her belly. She and Tony had, for sure, not been eating well at all.

He worked a lot, and she was running out of energy to cook, so they'd just go out and grab something. They'd been happy, though. Very happy. So neither of them thought about the eating disorder. It was that one little fight they had that did it, too. It was over money.

She worked part time at a convenience store, and he hadn't gotten his job in Bristol yet- they were still in New York. He was grumbling at the grocery bill. She didn't buy the store brand, and money was tight. BOOM. Fight. Then she stopped eating much of the food at all, and all he really noticed was the lightness of the grocery bill, which allowed her a pass for a good while. Until this.

Until last night, with the shit hitting the fan. And now this. She pulled up the jeans with little effort- they were even a little loose. Every thing seemed worth it at that moment. Her ass killed it in those jeans. She shrugged off the nightgown and put on one of her nice blouses, walked over to her vanity and put on a little mascara and lipstick.

Then she grabbed the test, and walked out to the boys. They were playing video games by now. So she just walked over to Sid, knelt down, and kissed his cheek, slipping the test on his lap. "I'm going out. I'll be back." He nodded a barely coherent 'okay' and she was out of there. It was probably ten minutes before Tony looked over and noticed the test on his lap.

"Uh, Sid, what's on your pants?" "Huh?" Sid looked up at him, then back down at his pants, picked up the stick, looked at it for two minutes straight.

"She's…" Tony broached, as Sid just sat there, letting someone on the other side of the world kill his soldier on the video game.

Sid nodded.

Cassie walked the whole way- she didn't know where she was going at first. She was bloody tired, and a bit hungry. But she kept walking. She took her flip-flops off and just kept going. The rain started, but she just slowed down. It was a good long storm, too.

It lasted all the way to the bench she met Sid at the night that Tony got hit by the bus. She sat there for a while, soaked through her clothing, shivering. Maybe hoping he'd be running behind her and she just couldn't hear him, and that they'd recreate that moment where the magic started for the first time. That he'd sit down on the bench, say Hi, and so would she. Even though back then, all they had to worry about (that they knew of ) was exams. The rain just got worse, so she didn't want to get up.

But she did, she got up and though she couldn't see much, she recognized the area as near Sid's house, so she kept walking. Right in front of Sid's old house, the light on in the kitchen and Sid's mom's form bustling back and forth. She then took the steps up and knocked on the door. His mom must have hesitated because it took her a minute to unlock the doors and then open them. Cassie just stood there, spent, mascara running down her face.

"Cassie! What are you doing outside, all wet? Where's the car? What are you doing out this late at night?" Elizabeth ushered her in, wasting no time, running to get a towel. She ushered her into the bedroom.

"Clothes. Off. You're soaking wet." Cassie disrobed while Elizabeth ran upstairs and retrieved an old pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt of Sid's. She put them on, and fought to keep her composure as she smelled him in his t-shirt. It felt, in that moment, exactly like she was laying right beside him.

Elizabeth threw the clothes in the dryer quickly, then rushed to her side. "Cassie. Honey. What's going on?" She kissed her forehead and brought her closer.

"I'm pregnant."

"Oh, Cassie."


	5. vodka and a wedding ring

Effie was, in a word, pleased. After being evaluated, she was let go, under close supervision from Tony. And he was spending time with Sid. All he said was that he was helping Sid deal with a crisis, so she had the house to herself. The TV, the liquor cabinet, the fridge, everything all to herself. After Tony left that night, she took her pants off and lay on the living room floor, absorbing all of the noise.

A couple a floor down from them was fighting, which soon gave way to sex. The TV was playing on the floor above them- it sounded like the news. She got up again, and got his bottle of vodka, and she lay back down, sipping it, focusing on the couple having sex. Life, at the moment, couldn't get better for her.

Sid didn't knock before coming in, he guessed that, most likely, Cassie would go here, because there wasn't really anywhere else for her to go at the time. Well, he checked the bench first. He expected for her to be there. He just ran inside, clear to the living room where his mother was cradling Cassie in her lap, brushing her hair gently.

"Sid. You can't just burst in like that. You gave us the scare of your life."

"Sorry…Mom…" He sat down, torn between kissing both of them and walking back out.

"Go brew some tea, Sidney."

"Yes, Mum." He got up and escaped into the kitchen. Cassie sighed and shook her head, sitting up. Elizabeth stroked the side of her face. "You can do this, my dear." Cassie shook her head, getting up.

"No, Elizabeth I don't….he doesn't love me anymore. And I can't blame him for that. I shut him out. I don't blame him for leaving me."

"Cassie, dear, Sidney's not leaving you."

Cassie shook her head. "Sorry, Elizabeth. I didn't mean to disrupt you like this." She started walking toward the door when Elizabeth took her hand-

"You are my daughter-in-law, Cassie. And I've always felt like you were a kid of my own. You did not disrupt me, but you are not leaving. Not in the rain, not like that. If you are tired, go upstairs. There's plenty of beds up there."

Cassie hadn't had an 'adult' reprimand her in, well…ever. Her mom was never a fan of it. Wasn't her style of parenting, maybe. But she didn't want to cross Elizabeth again, so she trodded upstairs, to Sid's room. She was so tired, she didn't even think about it – she just curled up in Sid's warm, soft twin bed, sniffed him in the bat-man sheets. She fought against letting the smell of him make her cry.

She tried to tell herself that Elizabeth was right- Sid wasn't going to leave her. After all, in their history, she had only left him, and only because she was scared. And she needed him – she wasn't about to leave him.

Sid heard every word Cassie said. He was still leaning against the doorway when Elizabeth came in, no evidence of tea boiling whatsoever. He walked over and sat down by the fridge, watching her start the kettle, wondering who was going to talk first. His mom was an expert at cold silence, so he went ahead and piped up.  
"I'm not going to leave her."

"You'd better not." He just looked at the ground. He'd been about to walk out the door with his bags packed when he called Tony, hours ago.

"You know what God says about divorce, Sid." He nodded.

"Has she cheated on you?" Elizabeth handed him a cup of hot cocoa and sat down beside him. Sid shook his head. "No."

"Have you cheated on her?"

"No."

"Then what's going on? Why the fighting? Why is it a big tragedy that she's pregnant?" He took a sip of his hot cocoa, rubbing his forehead.

"She's not eating."

"Oh." They both got silent for a while, and Sid, for the first time in a long time, felt comfortable with his mother there. Like maybe she knows the clues to everything going on.

"I want to make her eat, Mom..but…it's bad." He looked up at her. "I haven't ever seen her this bad. You know, like, that's bad enough. And now she's pregnant."

She simply rubbed his back in response. "Tony came over tonight. I freaked out and I called him. We prayed. A lot."

"That's good -that's a good way to respond to a situation like this."

"And then she dropped the pregnancy test on my lap and left."

"Sid, you know this might help her get better." Sid shrugged and shook his head.

"She wouldn't eat for me. Why is she going to eat for the baby? I want to get her help, but we may have to go back to New York to do so. Treatment here is shoddy."

"I'll help you with that, Sid. Just say the word. I'll buy the plane ticket." Sid rested his head on his mom's shoulder and she kissed his forehead. He finished up his hot chocolate, then ventured upstairs to Cassie – she was in his bathroom, getting ready to take a shower. "I'm not leaving you." She turned around, a bit startled.

"Sid…" He walked closer to her.

"This scares me. It does. It scares me to know that whatever I do I can't make you eat, I can't keep you from fainting, and even now…I can't make you get better. I love you."

"Sid." He walked closer to her still. She stepped into the shower. He just continued on.

"I love you. I'm not going to leave you. Never, Cassie."

"But you can, Sid. I'd understand it." He walked up to her and took her hand. They were getting water all over his mother's tiles, but he didn't care. They'd clean it up later.

"Cassie- I'm not going to leave you. I love you. I always will. I am never, no matter how bad it gets, going to leave you. I love you. I love you I love you. I married you because I'll never leave you."

"Oh, Sid."

"Cassie we can make this work. We were praying today. Me and Tony."

"I saw." She sounded hurt. He then realized she'd heard everything. He sighed.

"We were praying for an answer. I was freaking out. I needed Tony there. And then you came in the room and dropped that test on my lap. Cassie. That's our answer." She didn't really know what to say, so she just stared at him.

"We'll get through this. We'll both have to work at it. Really hard." He kicked off his shoes then jumped in the shower with her.

"Sid your clothes!" He ignored that, pulled her towards him and kissed her. She laughed. "You're going crazy, Sid! Your clothes are all soaked!"

They both started laughing, and he kissed her again. She pressed her forehead against his, and he closed the shower curtain. "I love you too, Sid. I won't quit, either."

He whispered, again, "Never, ever be afraid that I'll leave you, Cassie. I never will." She smiled and, with a couple of tears running down her face, removed his glasses and kissed him again.

When Tony arrived home, Effie was in her pajamas, sitting on his deck with his handle of vodka, considerably less full than he left it. He put his keys on the table and went outside, sat with her. "How'd that crisis go?" Tony crossed his legs, and took the bottle.

"Oh, you know. It's under control. Why the vodka? Your counselor said no drinking."

She reached for it, and he stopped her. "Oh, you know," she gave, and began giggling. He just watched her, crossed his arms. After a while she stopped her fit of giggles. "Fred's not coming back. I fucked it." He didn't reply to that, either. No, Fred wasn't coming back for her. And, yes, the incident had a lot to do with what sent Fred running to the hills.

"I loved him, Tony. I REALLY loved him. And I decide to get all drunk and go insane, and of course, he leaves. Who could blame him, though?" He studied her, leaning against the sliding glass door opposite him.

"He's just scared, Effie."

"Right. That I'll go all crazy and kill myself like his mom." Her tone was remarkably sarcastic. He glared at her for making light of it.

"Yes, Effie. He is extremely scared of that."

"I'm not dead."

"But you could've been. And he's scared of losing you."

"Well, didn't he kind of finish the job though? Leaving me?" Tony shrugged, put up his hands.

"Probably trying to spare himself from what's worse- finding you dead or something." She looked at him- hurt by his bluntness. He gave her a look. "I'm being honest with you, Effie. I love you. But I don't blame him for being scared. You know how you'll get him back?" She replied with a raised eyebrow. "Getting better." She laughed.

"You sound like my group therapist." He shrugged, but dropped the matter, picked up the handle of vodka, and went inside to get ready for bed.

Sid and Cassie's peace lasted a couple of days. After the amazing sex, the most amazing they'd had since they got married, in the shower of his bathroom and then his bed, complete with his bat-man bedsheets, they didn't fight for days. But Cassie still didn't feel like eating. She still wanted to hold onto this jean size, maybe get smaller. She just had to get clever about it. Sid even knew about her mealtime tactic- shifting around food, talking a lot, distracting.

That didn't work on him. So she just had to get by. Luckily, he wasn't policing her, until he broached the possibility of seeing a therapist along with a prenatal doctor. "I don't have to do that, Sid."

"Yes- actually, you do. I'm insisting that you do."

"Wait – when did this become your decision? Maybe if you married Michelle instead of me she'd let you make these fucking decisions. But not me. MY body, Sid. ENTIRELY MY CHOICE."

He lost his temper at that point. "Oh FUCK IT Cassie, will you ever give it up about Michelle?" He was doing the dishes.

"She always gave you better head. Admit it." He dropped the plate he was washing and turned around, stared at her incredulously.

"Yes and the factor I consider most prominently in a wife is a gag reflex?"

"So you fucking admit it! You probably wish you could pop over to her place after work, huh? Get some good sex in? With someone who's not too fucking skinny for you?"

"Cassie! Stop!" He picked up the dish and shattered it in the sink. "You know that's not what this is about, Cassie. You need to schedule an appointment-"

"OH The fucking appointment again, is it?" She yelled over him as she walked, seemingly carelessly, into the living room. He followed her, as calm as he could make himself.

"YES! Yes- that's what all of this is about, Cassie! It's not about sex, is it? And you know it! You fucking know it! It's my business-"

"NO! NO it's NOT!"

"YES! IT FUCKING IS!"

"Oh yeah?" She stood across from him. "It's MY fucking body, Sid. Mine. I can do whatever the FUCK I want with it. This ring on my finger?" She took it off, silencing him, and she threw it at him. "It does NOT mean you can tell me what to do with my body."

He picked up the ring. "Oh, well, you know, it does. Actually. It does. Because you're carrying my baby, Cassie. Mine. And you're my wife. I don't want to lose you, and I KNOW you don't want to lose that baby. If you don't try to get better, you WILL lose it."

He looked at her face, really looked at her. She was crying now. "Fuck you, Sid." She walked past him into the bedroom, slammed the door, then into the bathroom, slamming the door.

He cursed, and got his keys, walking out the door. He didn't come back until 1 or 2 AM. Him and Tony spent a night at the pub like they hadn't done since they were sixteen. He didn't tell him about anything, but Tony could tell something was up by the way he was drinking. Sid wasn't a heavy drinker. He didn't like to get plowed.

But he did that night, shot after shot. Tony ended up helping him up into his apartment. Cassie was sleeping in the bed, and she had a pillow and a quilt sitting on the couch for Sid. "Guess I'm uh…sleeping on the couch tonight, eh?" Sid giggled, barely able to stand up if not for Tony forcing him up. Tony helped him get his shoes off and them got him successfully into bed.

"There you go, Sid. There you go. All better now." He made sure Sid was sleeping before he left the apartment.

Sid woke up that morning hazy. He reached over for Cassie so he could kiss her but ended up falling off of the couch. "Right. Well." He picked up his glasses and stood up. He went in the bedroom and was surprised to find that Cassie wasn't in her bed.

It was 6am, and she was always sleeping during this time. "Cass?" He heard a faint sniffling sound from the bathroom, though, so he gently opened the door to find her on the toilet, covering her mouth but weeping. "Cassie, are you okay?" He knelt before her instantly, took her hand. She took it, squeezed it in pain. "Cass, what's going on? What can I do?"

She kept trying to say something, but she couldn't get it out. He held her for a little while, and she kept getting more pale. "I'm losing…I…lost…Sid I…" He instantly wrapped his arms around her, rubbed her back. \

"It's okay. Cassie, it's okay. You're okay. We've just got to get you to the hospital."

"But I'm bleeding and it's gross and-" She'd wiped the tears off of her face by now.

"I don't care how gross it is, Cassie. We've got to get you help." He quickly went to their closet and got her a pair of undies and sweatpants, gave her a pad. She tried to slip her legs into the panties but almost fell off the toilet. "Oh, honey -here- here-" he helped her get ready. He didn't look when he pulled her pants up onto her, flushed the toilet for her. She could barely stand up on her own. "God, Cass, we've got to get you there now."


	6. french fries and contentment

The car ride to the hospital was hell. Cassie was doubled over in pain, and traffic seemed to be moving as slowly as possible. When they finally got there she was all but screaming, and her sweatpants were already soaked through with blood. He was barely able to park the car before stumbling out of the car onto her side. Quickly, the attendants came to his assistance with a wheelchair and before they knew it, Cassie was in the examination room and Sid was in the waiting room, pacing. She was unstable, the doctor explained.

He'd have to wait outside. He resisted the urge to cuss out the doctor and break through to Cassie. Then he dialed his Mom. "Sid? Good morning!"

"Mom, could you come to the hospital?" He was having trouble getting the breath out of his lungs in order to say the words.

"What's going on? Is Cassie okay?"

"No. I don't know. Just. Please!"He was having trouble breathing now and had to sit down and put his head in his arms.

"Okay, love. Okay. I'll be right there."

He just sat like that until he heard her voice and he stood right up. She met him though, with that big bear hug that was uniquely hers. And he gave up, clung to her like he'd just fallen off his bike or something.

"What is it, Sid?" He just shook his head, and let her rub his back. He planned, when he was getting Cassie dressed, to prove to his Mom what a man he was and that he could handle a crisis. But right now he was fucking terrified.

"Mr. Jenkins?" His mom released him, stood beside him and took his hand. The doctor held the clipboard against his chest and looked directly into Sid's eyes. Sid nodded.

"We're very sorry to report that there was a miscarriage." Sid felt like cussing him out. No shit, Sherlock? Think I haven't figured that out yet? I am the one who yelled at her last night.

"Not all of the tissue was excreted with the bleeding, so we had to remove it…"

Sid felt nauseous, and started looking about the room. His mom squeezed his hand, rubbed his back with her other hand. She took over for him.

"….due to caloric restriction, we started her on an IV and will be keeping her overnight to make sure we can feed her enough to make her stable. Right now she's meeting with a Psychiatrist to determine the level of treatment that's…"

Sid closed his eyes, rubbed his forehead.

"We'll come and get you again when she is stable."

He nodded again and sat down.

"Sid?"

"Fries."

"What?"

"I need fries."

"Sid?" In response he got up, walked, drone-like, down the hallway, following the sign that said 'Cafeteria.' His mom followed him, he could hear the click-clack of her heels. She didn't say anything, reprimand him. He looked at her as they were in the line, looking down at the plastic-wrapped selection of food, and him looking specifically at the heated dishes holding wonderfully greasy french fries.

She selected a sandwich, he went straight for the fries. Piled his plate high, like always, like the first time he ate with Cassie. Well, he ate. She talked and juggled her apple. His mom paid while he was reaching for his wallet, and he sat down, immediately began scarfing. Part of it had to be the hangover.

But most of it was his mind going, 'holy shit holy shit holy. shit.'

"Don't tell…um…Cassie I'm eating french fries."

Elizabeth smiled, reached across and grabbed his hand.

"I yelled at her." He pushed his plate away.

"You both are having a hard time. Fights are bound to happen."

"Mom. I made her miscarry."

"Sid, you know that's…"

"I yelled at her because she wouldn't get help and then I walked out."

They both sat in silence.

"It's not your fault."

He looked at her incredulously. "Mom. If I wouldn't have yelled she'd still be pregnant."

She squeezed his hand. "The doctor said it was because she had been fasting. It wasn't you, Sid. Go to her, kiss her. Hold her. Apologize to her for yelling, Sid, but don't hold this guilt on your heart that you think you are the reason you lost your baby. You aren't."

He shook his head, and they remained silent for a while. "Thank you for the fries." She smiled and winked at him.

"I do wish you'd eat a bit healthier sometimes."

"I know, I know. You and everyone else."

They got up and walked side by side back to the waiting room, where the doctor met them, and ushered Sid back to the room to see her. Cassie looked…weak. Hooked up to an IV, so tiny in the big bed. He knelt by her bed immediately and kissed her hand around the IV. She smiled down at him. He released the ramp on the side of her that didn't have wires, and, as gently as he could, crawled in beside her. "How are you feeling?" She nodded at him.

He kissed her cheek, stroked her hair that was hopelessly tangled. "I'll have Mom bring us a brush." She laughed, although she could barely do that. The nurse came in with an Ensure shake, and Cassie grimaced, turned her head into Sid's neck to refuse it. "Oh come on, Darling," the nurse said, the lack of patience she had evident on her face. "This is going into you either the easy way or the hard way. And trust me. After the morning you've had, you want it to go the easy way."

Sid grabbed Cassie's hand and looked at her, kissed her cheek. "It'll only take a few minutes. You can get it down." Cassie sighed, and the nurse handed the can to Sid, but stood aside to watch, make sure he didn't drink it for her. She took a tiny sip, grimaced as she swallowed it. He rubbed her shoulder, moved the can toward her.

"The bigger sip you take, the sooner it's over with and you can just let me hold you…" That seemed to convince her. She took the can from him and upended it, taking a sizeable gulp. "That's my girl," he said as he took the can from her. Half of it was gone. Cassie laid her head back on the pillow and closed her eyes tight- Sid squeezed her hand. She managed to swallow all of it, to let it travel down her stomach, and she sighed.

"I don't think I can finish this…" To that, the nurse gave her a look.

"Come on, Cass. One more big gulp. That's it." She groaned and took the can from him again, took another generous gulp, put her head back again. When he took the can back from her it was empty, so he gave it to the nurse, who, without a word, left. He cuddled her and kissed her cheek and she whimpered, nestling her face in his neck. "I'll go get a brush from Mom, then I'll be right back." She nodded, and he slowly got up, walked out into the waiting room.

"Her hair is horribly tangled, but she's okay. The nurse just made her drink an Ensure shake, so you know she has..well…something inside of her."

Elizabeth smiled and dug into her purse, giving him a small brush. "Ask them if you can wash her hair, or something. It might soothe her a bit if you could get her hair wet and gently brush the tangles out, you know?"

Sid gave a smile and kissed her cheek. "No. I don't. I never brush my own hair." He then smiled and took the brush from her, and, with the simple request, after Cassie had an hour's nap, the nurse helped get her in the bathroom, and get the top of her undressed.

She smiled at Sid as he knelt beside her and gently washed her hair. It took him a half and hour, but he gently combed the curls out of her hair, and then he helped her get dressed again. The nurse helped him lay her in the bed, and he curled up beside her, stroking the long, blond hair he's always loved about her. "Feel better now that you're all clean?"

She sighed, happy. He closed his eyes as he kissed her forehead. In that moment, that's more than all he could ask for, her being slightly content, for her to forget about why she was there, what happened, why she was bleeding. He wanted her to, for the moment, only be aware that her hair had just been washed, now she was all clean, and now he was holding her. He wanted that to be all she would need. Because, frankly, neither of them would be able to handle what would come next.


	7. hot cocoa and mermaids

Effie kept clicking on the pictures, no light in the room the monitor. Fred put pictures up on Facebook every day about his trip. Fred fishing with his dad. Fred eating ice cream. Fred on a bike. Some animal that Fred likes. Fred drinking a beer with Maxxie.

More and more pictures. He was having a great time. He looked like he didn't have a care in the world, and he certainly looked like she wasn't bothering him. Effie always wondered how that worked. How people were always able to get over her so quick, go back to being their normal happy selves, and she sulked for days on end because she couldn't stop missing them. He came on his AIM, and she clicked on his avatar, started to type in 'FREDS!' but hesitated.

Did she really want to hear a lecture right now? Did he really want to be bothered by her?

Fred was exhausted. His dad wanted to go on a side trip out of London, and he let Fred hang out with Maxx for a couple of days. He had his own flat. It wasn't much, but there was always a party going on there. Fortunately, by midnight, all the people had vacated the apartment for a club, and Fred decided to stay behind, and log online. And there she was. She was on AIM, too.

He saw her status 'Tony's trying to get me to do the how many orange slices can you get in your mouth at one time contest, and he's real convincing when he's so orangey he can't talk' and wished he could be there, but that didn't make sense. He came to London to forget about her, forget about all of the shit associated with her. But she had just changed her profile picture. She looked so cleaned up, put together, sober. Fuck it, he thought, and clicked on her IM screenname.

FredsROCKSit: Hey

Betheffers: hi

Betheffers: well. this is awkward.

FredsROCKSit: no kidding.

Betheffers: how's London?

FredsROCKSit: rainy. I didn't know they let you out of hospital.

Betheffers: I never went in. Didn't really think you gave a shit.

FredsROCKSit: come on Effie. you know that's not even close to true.

Betheffers: oh yeah? London's calling you, Freds. London's calling.

FredsROCKSit: ?

Betheffers: are you fucking kidding me, Fred?

FredsROCKSit: what?

Betheffers: you leave me without a word after what happened and then get on here and chat me up about London like nothing happened? I at least thought you were going to have the decency to break up with me.

FredsROCKSit: I don't really know what to say. Except that I was scared, and I miss you. Your new profile picture is pretty.

Betheffers: i was scared too. if you can't handle what's going on i understand, and i don't blame you. but don't run like a little boy, Fred. and fuck off. Have a good fucking time in London.

FredsROCKSit: effie i'm sorry. i was a jerk, okay? but, no. i can't handle that. i can't handle the possibility of something happening to you.

Error: your message was not sent: Betheffers is offline.

Freds cursed, and checked Facebook, clicked on her profile. This was just self-torture. All of her photos, games, comments. She didn't have too much for comments, just talking back and forth with Pandora, but when he clicked refresh, he saw Cook's comment. "See YOU soon, awesomeness." And then he called his dad, to see when they were getting back to Bristol.

His dad was confused, since he had been so eager to hit the open road. Not for at least another week or so. Oh, the things he was going to do once he got back to Bristol.

The best thing about living with Tony was that there was no curfew. None. So when she wanted to go out with Cook, he just said yes. He didn't ask who was going, if parents were going to be there. She didn't have to lie and say Pandora was in town and she was going to see her. All she had to say was 'BYE!'

He just wanted her in by sun-up. Coolest. Brother, and, according to the hospital, guardian, ever.

She hadn't partied like this since…well…it hadn't been that long. It felt, because she'd been hanging out with her now straightlaced old brother again, like it had been years or something, like she should get an AA Token. But it had been a week or two since she started living with him. A party it was – a party on the beach. Enough people there to get lost, but not too much.

Cook grabbed drinks for them, and, for a while, they got good and bloody drunk. The party started to filter out though, eventually, and they stayed. Effie lay on the sand, cold and moist, a nice contrast to her sweaty skin from running, jumping, dancing. Kissing Cook. Letting him push her up against a tree. Letting him do whatever he wanted.

As soon as he picked her up, he slipped her that little white pill she wanted with a heart in the middle. Now, the X was fading, and she lay there calm, the tide tickling her toes. She heard Cook crash into the sand beside her. She grinned at him. "Thank you for rescuing me."

He laughed but he sounded miles away. "Anything for you, my queen." He kissed her, and then he got back up and ran back into the crowd. She sat up. The tide was so beautiful. She stood up, and started walking out into the waves. Those beautiful waves.

The water was warm tonight, and she felt like some kind of mermaid princess with her skirt, and when she flopped over onto her back and floated, her hair moving slowly. She imagined her hair a bright red, glitter all over her face, a bra made of rubies, making a beautiful chime sound whenever she moved. Her eyes would be green, and so crystal like that they would strike any man down who she crossed. When she came on land, they would call her the ice queen, because she'd breathe, and cover their skin with diamonds. They'd kiss her, and their lips would ache with the cold.

Underwater they'd follow her down into the depths until they choked, and as they drowned, she'd come back up to see them. She'd swim around them, smile at how beautiful they look reaching for air instead of water. Then she'd dive, and grab their ankles. She'd take them, and she'd feed them to a shark.

She turned on her side, noticed, on the remarkably far away surface, that her cellphone light was on. She noticed Cook turning around, picking it up. Time to elude him, she thought, because he'll notice me out here, follow me into the depths, and I'll drown him. So she dove, making a little splash with her feet as she went down. Come on, boy. Come chase me.

Sid barely let himself seperate from Cassie. He had to, when they went through airport security. But as soon as they got through, he held her hand again. They let her out of the hospital after two days, after they got her weight back up to an acceptable range. And Sid could tell Effie was exhausted, and maybe she needed a break. He knew that she needed more than a break.

But, for treatment to work for her, for them, they needed not to be strained. So his mom bought them the ticket, the hotel, everything. They were off to Cocoa. When they looked through the Florida travel guide, she kept giggling at the word Cocoa, and so they went, with one mission on their minds- find the best cup of hot cocoa in Cocoa.

She slept through the plane ride, but he wasn't so lucky. The kid in front of them kept peering at him through the crack in the seats, making bomb and gunshot sounds at Sid. How lovely and appropriate for a plane ride, Sid thought. So he kept trying to distract himself from terrorist-child, kissing Cassie's forehead and rubbing her arms, looking out the window at the black. He even closed his eyes to try to sleep himself. The flight didn't last forever, though, thank God.

When she woke up, getting ready to de-board the plane, a baby started crying. Sid stood behind Cassie, trying to see how she was reacting. She looked back at him and smiled. He half-smiled back at her. The parents wouldn't shut the baby up, and it seemed like forever for them to get out of the plane. She kept smiling at him, even in the taxi ride to the hotel. But the crying was even bothering him. Surely, she had to be hearing it too.

"We dodged a bullet, Sid," she said quietly as they settled into their fantastic hotel room. Spacious bed that, he knew, they were going to spend a lot of time in. Cassie opened the blinds – beautiful view of the beach – or it would be. It was the middle of the night, pitch black out there. They collapsed onto the bed, and they didn't even turn the lights off before they both fell asleep.

Effie smiled at Tony sheepishly. He didn't smile back. The ankle-bracelet they put on her already felt claustrophobic. "Effie, what were you thinking?" He didn't start talking until they were in the car, on the ride home.

"I wanted to be a mermaid…" she murmured. He looked over at her, shook his head.

"I wasn't supposed to give you such a loose curfew. Mom chewed me out over the phone like you wouldn't believe. And everyone knows you don't swim in the ocean at night, Effie. It's common knowledge."

She didn't even bother nodding.

"I mean…Effie, you have to start trying. Especially if you want Fred back."

"I don't want Fred back."

"What?" He pulled into the apartment parking lot.

She shook her head.

"Yeah, well. No more going out with Cook."

"Oh come on, Tony, you were just like Cook when you were his age."

Tony opened the door for her and closed it, swiftly, behind him. "Was. Key word."

"And then you found Jesus…" she said mockingly.

"So?"

Effie flopped down on the couch and rolled her eyes.

"I'm not getting arrested for tresspassing, I can tell you that much, Effie."

"So…I'm…guessing I'm grounded?"

"Well, yeah. House arrest, 1 week, due to how awesome your counselor is," he said while getting his lap-top out and sitting on the couch. "Then we get to negotiate."

"Yippee."

She got up and went into the kitchen, and tried the liquor cabinet, but it was locked. She walked back into the living room and crossed her arms. "Oh, like I'm letting you drink." He looked up at her incredulously. She groaned and flipped him off, then headed off into the guest bedroom which she had claimed.

Sid woke up on the first morning of their vacation feeling like a vampire – mostly due to the fact that he had the window side of the bed and Cassie gave no warning when she pulled the curtains open. "Good MORRNIINNGGGG!" She sang, hopping on top of him. She kissed him, then began jumping on the bed until he stopped trying to go back to sleep.

"OK OK I get it. I get it. I'm up."

When he got out of the shower, she was sitting with her lap-top, speaking into the web-cam. She smiled at him and said "Oh Mom Sid says Hi!"

Sid was surprised- they hadn't heard from her in months – "Hi Margarit!" He went and sat beside Cassie.

"Cassie tells me you are enjoying your vacation!" Benjamin, Cassie's 5 year old little brother, was sitting on the ground playing with his dinosaur. He smiled as Cassie leaned into him. "We sure are! We're looking forward to all the relaxing we get to do." Benjamin started speaking all sorts of assorted nonsense- mostly telling the camera about his dinosaur. He looked over at Cassie, she was delighted, giggling and asking him questions. Margarit didn't know about the miscarriage. But Sid could see the look on Cassie's face and he knew for sure – they hadn't dodged a bullet.

They got out in no time, and began strolling down in the area around their hotel- searching for the perfect coffee shop. It didn't take them long to find one that looked suitable. They quickly ordered their hot chocolates and sat down. The order taker looked a little non-plussed, like people ordered hot chocolate here all the time. Hot cocoa- not surprisingly on demand in a town called Cocoa.

They got their drinks, and both of them started giggling incessantly as they looked down at them. Sid stopped a man walking by them, asked if he would take a picture of them. And he did, Sid and Cassie toasting the morning to each other. Soon after the flash he clumsily spilled his. She just laughed, thanked the man and took the camera from him, and stole a few more pictures of him trying to clean chocolate off of his t-shirt. "Oh, Sid," she said, and wanted to say how he would make the most excellent father.

"What would I ever do without you?" He smiled up at her and shrugged. "You would be terribly lonely because you wouldn't have someone to drink hot cocoa with, who knows the ins and outs of it as well as you do." They laughed, and sipped their hot cocoas, being the cheesy tourist British couple who probably looked like they were on their honeymoon.


	8. sushi and wedding rings

Effie wasn't happy with the grounding, but it wasn't Tony's fault. It was just circumstantial, really. Neither her or Cook knew that the beach was private property. But for one thing she was glad- Tony didn't take away the cellphone, so when he ran an errand, she quickly let Cook in and let him into her room. "How's Prison?" He asked, flopping onto her bed, soon followed by her.

"Not too bad. Just can't go anywhere." She flashed her anklet.

"Ah," Cook replied, propping himself up on his elbow. Cook was off the scene just as soon as he saw the headlights. He didn't check for her. He just left her. And that bothered her. Tony made a couple comments about it, but she shrugged him off, told him it wasn't that bad.

"Effie," Tony had said, "_I _wasn't that bad in my heydey. I would've at least come and gotten you."

But still, he was here, he smelled like Axe cologne, and he was so sweet to her. And he was such a good kisser. She enjoyed him that way, laying on her bed and letting him come ontop of her. That is, until they failed to hear Tony walking into the house, and opening the bedroom door to find them both half-declothed. "Cook, leave." He just crossed his arms, made sure Cook left, then turned around as Effie got her clothes back on. Effie just glared at her brother.

"Really Effie?" He turned and walked into the living room. She could feel the lecture coming on. She could also sense that she wasn't going to get out of it, so she followed him, sat on the couch, and stared at Tony's bible sitting on the coffee table.

"Effie, Mom let you live with me because SHE couldn't deal with all of this."

"All of what?" Effie reached into her pocket and grabbed her cigarette pack, which he grabbed from her.

"No smoking in the apartment, you've known this."

"Oh." She ignored him. "You mean the sluttiness, the craziness…"

"The drinking, the drugs, the not coming home for days at a time. Yes. Effie. I mean that."

Effie just gave him a smirk.

"You can't fool me Effie. Stop pretending."

"So…let's hear it. What are you going to do? Kick me out? I mean, I'll just go to Cook's, and we'll do lots of drinking and drugging. And," she got up, levelling with him before walking to the kitchen. "I'll be a bad little slut and let him do whatever he wants to me."

Tony shook his head and bit his lip, turning around. "Don't call yourself a slut."

"Why? You would. You probably talk to your church group at your little prayer meetings about what a little slut your little sister is." Tony was hurt by that. She could tell. He just crossed his arms and looked down aside from her.

"I've never called you a slut, Effie. And stop changing the subject. No, I'm not going to kick you out. Besides, you can't go anywhere for another day. But…"

"So, kick me out tomorrow."

"I am sending you to church camp."

She whipped around. "No fucking way. No way. No! This is your worst idea since the hospital!"

He didn't really respond emotionally, but she could tell her comment actually hurt him at that point. "Tony, please say you're joking? I'm sorry for what I said, really. I am. I won't have Cook over anymore, I won't drink anymore….I…please!"

He just shook his head. "You're going, deposit's paid, your counselor agrees."

She realized she wasn't going to convince him, so she just stood there.

"Oh, and it was either that or another week with the ankle bracelet." With that he stopped talking, quietly made himself a sandwich while she stood there looking at him, and then casually walked off to his room as if nothing was wrong, slamming the door behind him.

Church Camp. Great. Well, she reckoned, at least it would only be a week.

Cassie ran her finger across Sid's fried back. "You didn't put on _any _sunscreen?" He looked back at her with a grin.

"Well, I did. But then you..uh…forced me into the shower with you, and it all came off."

She laughed, and laid on her stomach next to him. They both watched the kids playing in the surf, jumping ontop of every wave, some of them getting swallowed up, then picked out of the water by their parents.

"So, before all of this happened," she slipped her hand into his, "my mom called me with some news."

He flipped over onto his back. He was, indeed, getting sunburnt. Tonight wasn't going to be fun. She made a mental note to pick up aloe vera tonight. Her husband was wonderful, but he wasn't one for taking pain, and he'd probably be shedding tears.

"Yeah? What's that?"

"She…uh..she thinks they're going to put her in hospital."

He looked over at her, shielding his eyes from the sun with his free arm.

"Yeah. This new boyfriend she has isn't so much into the drinking thing. So. She asked me to take Benjamin."

"Oh…What'd you say?"

"That it depended on what you thought."

"Well..I mean…how long?" He really didn't know how not to offend her with this. He was horrible with kids, and found them annoying in general.

"Anywhere from a month to six months? This is all if I don't go inpatient with treatment. Which I don't think I will."

Six months. Six. Months.

"She doesn't want them taken away, and she'd pay us for all of his stuff, and everything…"

He looked over at her. Yes, he really didn't relish the thought of sharing their house with a whiny five year old obsessed with dinosaurs. Benjamin loved him, too. He was like a really, really, clumsy magnet.

"Do you want to?"

She nodded. "I love taking care of him, Sid."

That was true, too. She loved kids, and she just lit up whenever he was around. He'd be at school during the day. This would, of course, mean they wouldn't be able to stay in New York, but there would be some day treatment available. They could make it work. They could do it.

"Yeah, we can do it."

She squealed, and he could see the sparks going off inside her. He sat up and kissed her. He slid his hand in his pocket, and felt the ring. He had completely forgotten it was there. He kept it in his pocket every day, just to keep it near him. But now seemed the right moment.

Well, maybe in a minute. He kept kissing her, lured her into laying down next to him, cuddling with him. And they just enjoyed the afternoon together. Until the moment was perfect.

"You give better head than Michelle." Well, he could've been more tactful. He had started to take the ring out of his pocket, but since there was silence, he just slipped it back in. Not the right time. Damage control.

"Yeah?"

He turned toward her. "Yeah."

"Why? She _is _the lipstick party princess." She wasn't smiling. He had screwed it up.

"That's exactly it. She was like a…porn star. Felt good, but it wasn't the stuff of intimacy, you know? I love you, Cassie. And I know that you love me. I can feel it when we have sex."

"I can't." She looked away from him.

This was true. Maybe because, lately, he'd been a horrible husband in the bedroom department. Thinking of Michelle most of the time. Not that Cassie didn't have enough to offer. Of course she did. With the exception of the sex they were having on this vacation, he'd been horrible to her.

The breeze shifted some hair onto her face, and he reached across and tucked it into her hair.

"What don't I have, then?" She was angry this time. She got up, and he could see the tears in her eyes. He got up too, and she folded the towel up and started walking toward the hotel. He didn't say anything, not wanting to start a scene. Nothing.

There was nothing she didn't have. It wasn't her. Not until she started losing weight. He felt like a horrible person even admitting to himself that he got hard easier thinking about Michelle than about Cassie. She turned toward him as soon as they got to their hotel room, and he sat on the bed.

"You have everything, Cassie."

"Really? Because I've been trying. The lingerie, the candles, the dieting…"

He looked up. "The dieting? Really, Cassie? That's what this was about?"

"I just thought that if I got skinny I'd look more like…"

"a porn star?"

Both of them were silent for a minute on that one.

"And it didn't work!" She threw her shoe at the wall.

"No, Cassie, that wasn't…"

"What is it? What MORE could I have done to be more sexually desirable to you?"

He wasn't even thinking here. He just wanted her to calm down. "Eat." In reply she slapped him. They just looked at each other for a minute.

"I'm…uh..I'm going to the pool." She looked down from him and left without her key.

He fell back on the bed. "FUCK, Sid. Good going." He got out the ring and held it up to the light. He was being honest, at least. Just not tactful.

When he could see and feel her bones, it did kill the mood, because she had low energy, she was pale and sweaty. And he started to wonder when she was going to faint, if she was eating anything at all, et cetera. In short? Not something he needed to be thinking about during sex. Plenty of their fights started that way. She was expecting arousal out of him.

He owed it to her. So he'd just turn his face to the side, bite his lip and…think about the last time he touched Michelle.

He had to change, though. Whatever it took, he had to be a better husband to her. He hated it when she nagged him about Michelle, but it wasn't totally irrational of her to do so. He wasn't cheating on her, and he wasn't going to leave her. But if Cassie deserved one thing, it was to be the one person he desired. So he got on his knees and bowed his head.

Whenever he prayed, he always did that. Even though it wasn't cool. His dad used to pray with him at bedtime when he was little, and when he got saved, it felt like he was acknowledging his dad by doing this. And maybe his dad was in heaven going, 'That's my son!' Plus, it helped him concentrate. Simply bowing his head, it was too easy for him to think about the World Cup, or what to make for dinner that night.

On his knees or on his face, though, he remembered to pray. He admitted his guilt, and he felt it in full. He said he was sorry, and he promised to be devoted to Cassie, and only Cassie this time. Then it came – small and quiet. 'Tell her what you just told Me.' God never talked to him in a voice.

He doubted that God talked to anybody in an audible voice. You just…knew it, though. He thought Christians were crazy for most of his life because they were always saying 'God TOLD me to do this!" Then, when he and Cassie fell in love, like, really in love, he wrecked both of them, so they were on their faces. And then he showed them what it meant to have God 'tell them to do something.' He just wanted to rest in His presence but he felt that nudge.

It wouldn't feel okay until he apologized to Cassie. He got both room keys, put another shirt on, and got Cassie's book and towel for her. He walked down, and she was swimming back and forth vigorously. A stab of guilt hit him when he realized what he said did damage. He took off his shoes and dipped his feet in after setting her stuff on a lawn chair, draping the towel over the chair like Cassie liked it.

She noticed his feet, so swam up to him, pulling her hair back. He reached into his pocket -for whatever reason he still had one of her scrunchies in there. He extended it to her, and she smiled as she took it. "Thank you."

"Uh, my sunburn is starting to hurt, so I'm going out to pick up some Aloe Vera. Need anything?"

"Tampons."

"Got it."

She dipped underwater again and laid back in the water. Her ribs were still showing, and it gave him chills. How did he tell her that without her taking it as 'you're unfuckable', though?

"Well, I left your key."

She didn't respond, so he got up. "Love you, Cassie. I'll be back soon." She waved, turned around and watched him walk out. God, he was beautiful. There wasn't a day she wasn't thankful for her husband. For him picking her. For him not leaving her, even when she wasn't eating.

She wanted to fall at his feet, and apologize for not recovering. For starting again. She was afraid that, even though Sid promised he wasn't going to leave, he was tired of her. Surely he was tired her. That's why he thought of Michelle during sex, right? When they were moving from Bristol to New York, she found an old picture of Michelle in his bedside drawer.

They weren't having sex at the time, so it didn't take long for her to figure out what was going on. She was mad at herself for being jealous. Well, at least he's not out fucking her, right? And she hadn't been sexy in a while. She didn't blame him for not finding her sexy. She really didn't deserve him, anyhow, so it couldn't hurt too much.

At least he was getting fulfilled. But it bothered her still. She wanted to know how much he wanted to be with Michelle.

She got up out of the pool and noticed he put the towel exactly the way she liked it. She smiled, and lay down on the chair, picking up the book. Inside was a note from a month ago.

Cassie

I didn't want to wake you. You are amazing, and you always look like you're doing a pirouette when you sleep. It's cute. I'm on a run.

p.s.

it was you. don't doubt that. it was always you, and it always will be you. I was a dense sixteen year old, and I don't seem to have changed much. I get that. But It's still you. And I'm the luckiest, most undeserving man in the world.

Loverface.

p.p.s.

I'm glad I took my dad's advice. He was right. You are special.

be back soon,

the sexy man drenched in sweat and gasping for air who loves the girl currently laying in his bed and who writes really cheesy love notes.

Cassie giggled. She'd forgotten about that. They'd taken to writing each other love notes, leaving them in random places at unexpected times. In his car, in the mailbox, in a big huge UPS package. Under pillows. Taped to the wall.

Anywhere where it would catch the other one off guard. Neither of them had done that since they moved back to Bristol. Plenty of sex. No love notes.

Sid spent a while in the jewelry shop, staring at each ring. The salesperson was getting annoyed, but he didn't care. This one had to be special. It had to matter. He couldn't just get the cheapest one. It had to say something about Cassie.

He found one after an hour of strolling through the glass cases. One white diamond band, followed by one gold band encrusted with diamonds, followed by one with rubies. The salesman talked about the quality of the ruby and how many karats the diamonds all had in them, and that it was the first fair-trade diamond of it's kind, so the price was worth it, and Sid just kept nodding and looking at it. "I'll take it," he muttered. The salesman was shocked and gleeful.

And then he figured out why he had gotten THAT big of a bonus, and THAT good of a commission. That one. That was the one. He then went and got all of the basic stuff, some tampons, some aloe vera. The sun-burn was actually beginning to sting now. He'd listen to her tomorrow.

Cassie decided to go out as well. That letter made her nostalgic for when they first got married, when they had such perfect communication. Even if they weren't happy they were always, always talking or writing. So, she went and picked out a journal. When either of them was away, they'd mail it back and forth. She'd send it with him to work.

They'd write to each other. They'd write love notes again, they'd write things they'd always keep to themselves, but hope that someone would find someday, maybe a grandchild, and spend time reading it and sharing it. Maybe if one of them lost their memory they'd look through it together. Whatever it was, they'd make it special.

Effie wasn't talking to Tony. He sensed that it was church camp, but he didn't want to send her off thinking she couldn't write him. Later that night he had dropped the news on her that it was a three week camp. She'd freaked out, punched a whole in the wall. He was the worst brother ever, she said. She hated him.

She was just going to run away. She'd show him. She'd move away when she got back. She'd meet a boy there and move away. He had just nodded, and went to his room, while Effie had stood outside his locked door, crying, punching the wall and screaming at him. He would've been pissed off too if he was her, so he couldn't blame her for that one.

He knew that she would probably be texting Cooke about how she was going to leave and would he come pick her up, please, take her away. While she screamed curses at him he just knelt, then lay prostrate, and started to cry. He felt horrible. He wanted for her to be happy. But nothing was going to change the way it was. She might hate him forever.

He was genuinely scared of that likelihood. So he asked God not to turn her away from him, to instead turn her around during camp, and bring her back. To him. In the car on the way to get her ankle bracelet off, she was cold and silent. What was worse, her bag was packed, and she probably felt like he was glad to get rid of her, when the opposite was true. "Can I at least say goodbye to Cook?" She was hoarse from the screaming last night. Tony sighed.

"I don't think so, Effie…" but he was waiting at the station outside the door. Clever. So he got out and leaned on the hood of his old mini cooper while she ran into Cook's arms. They just stood there ,whispering things, until Tony clapped. "OK, Eff. Time to go in. Later, Cook."

Cook nodded, Effie glared, and Tony walked Effie in. After it was off, she didn't look happy for her freedom. In the car, he asked her why, and she looked at him like he had snot all over his face.

"Because I'm not really free, you bumbling idiot. You're shipping me off to camp, and I won't be able to do anything there. Won't be much different from wearing the damn ankle bracelet."

"What do you say to sushi before you head out? Then we'll go get Starbucks." She shrugged. She softened up as they ate the Sushi. They got it to go and ate it in the park. Neither of them said anything. They just ate.

Tony was losing hope that she'd stop hating him before he drove her out to camp, but as they were walking back to the car, she tackled him with a big hug. He smiled down at her and squeezed her. "Look at it as a break, Effie. Relax, have fun. The three weeks will go by faster than you know." She wiped tears away from her face as she pulled away, nodded.

She got in the car and waited. Secretly, she was sort of looking forward to it. Not that having Jesus shoved down her throat looked fun or anything. And she wasn't looking forward to the judgy church kids who she'd have to bunk with, some of whom probably went to school with her and would just stare at her, whisper 'cow' and 'slut' behind her back, amidst giggles. Just for fun, she might prove them right by finding a cute camp counselor to fuck at night while they all slept. Maybe she could make the most of this.

On the way to camp, she actually looked less somber sipping a caramel macchiato. Tony's mom never let her drink caffeine, not that she obeyed him, it seemed to make her happy that he let up on her this once. They got to the church where the bus was, and they sat there for a minute. "Sure you won't reconsider?" Tony nodded.

"Too late now, Effers."

She got out of the car, slamming the door shut.

Tony got her bag, and followed her out. He nodded at the youth pastor who smiled at Effie, said hi to her. Effie glared at him and got on the bus, sat in the front. Sure enough, most of the girls stared and whispered. Great. This was going to be fun.

She rolled her eyes at Tony through the window. He smirked back at her, talking to the youth pastor. Another girl got up into the bus right then, and, without asking, sat beside her. Great. Preaching the gospel to me early, are ya? Effie thought, and put her headphones on, cranking it up and continued to stare at Tony.

"Thank you for taking her this session, Mark," Tony said, shaking his hand. Mark laughed.

"You act like she's a beast of burden, Tony. Lighten up. We'll be fine."

"Well, she hasn't been easy lately."

"She'll be fine. She'll hear the gospel. Contrary to what it looks like, there are some nice girls who aren't scared of her on the bus." Tony peered in to see someone sitting next to her.

"That's Olivia. She's such a sweetheart. She doesn't get along with the popular girls either. I have a feeling Effie will like her."

Tony nodded. "If she gets too wild, will you have her call me? You have my number."

"Tony there's not alcohol there. But yes. If she needs you, I will have her call you."

"Thanks." He was blindsided. Effie had run off the bus and tackled him again, hiding her head."Whoa there, kid. It's okay." He nodded at Mark as he rubbed Effie's back.

"We'll be waiting for you, Effie. Few more minutes."

"Come on, Eff. You can do this. It'll go by fast." She nodded, looked up at him.

"Thank you," she whispered. And just like that, she was on the bus again, next to Olivia. She put on her headphones and looked out the window. He watched the bus leave, and waved to Effie.

Some of the meaner girls giggled and before she turned the music up she could hear some snide remarks about how fun Effie was going to be, what a slut she was. "I'm Olivia," the girl next to her smiled and said. She was pretty simple, long red hair braided in pigtails, jeanskirt and tights, and a black t-shirt. She had her hand extended. But Effie just glared at her, and looked away again. No fucking way.

Sid called his mom when he got back to the hotel.

"Sidney! How is the trip?"

"Great, Mom- I can't thank you enough."

"Don't thank me. I wanted to do it."

"I know. Hey, I need to tell you something."

"Mhmmmhmm?"

"I want to have a wedding ceremony with Cassie. I want to have us get married again."

"Have you asked her?"

"I'm about to. I spent A LOT of money just now on a proposal ring."

"Where's her previous engagement ring," Elizabeth laughed, "and her wedding ring?"

"She wears the engagement ring on a necklace usually, but it's in her jewelry box at home. And during a fight recently she threw the wedding ring at me, and it's in my pocket."

"What did you do, Sid?"

"Nothing. I…I haven't been a good husband to her. I didn't cheat on her."

"Good. I know Michelle moved back to Bristol soon after you did, and I was suspicious."

"I know. And, no. I wouldn't ever do that to Cassie. But I haven't been very good to her, regardless. But I repented, and God told me to apologize to her like I did to Him."

"See, I knew God was going to do something on this trip. I just knew."

Sid chuckled. "Her Mom's going to hospital, and we're taking Benjamin for a few months, and I wondered if you'd want to help plan the ceremony? You know, contingent on her saying yes."

"Can you handle a kid? Can she? And of course I'm going to help her."

"If she says yes. I've been pretty horrible to her. And, I don't know if I can, but I'm going to try, because she really, really wants this."

"You don't know how much that girl loves you, Sidney. She will say yes. Are you nervous? What are you going to do?"

Sid leaned back on the cushioned lobby couch and yawned. "I don't have anything too special planned, you know. Just tell her. I'm too nervous to do anything grandiose. I'll take her out to dinner after, though."

"Text me to tell me how it goes, darling. And I love you."

"Love you too."

With that he got up, stretched, and walked upstairs to the room. She was taking a bath when he came in, he could hear the faint swish of the water. He knocked and came in. She smiled at him, and he smiled back. Luckily, the bath was seperated from the mirror and sink, so he could mentally prepare himself for a minute.

He fingered the old ring, and the new ring in his pocket, and that gave him a surge of confidence. Yes, he could do it. He walked in to the smaller bathroom, where she was sitting. She hadn't even gotten her hair wet.

She was just sitting. He sat on the edge, leaned over and kissed her forehead. "Can I join you?" She nodded. He took off his shirt first, then, carefully, his pants. She was looking at him weird- he was the throw the clothes around the room type.

He grinned. He then did away with his boxers and sat in the tub with her a bit too eagerly. He winced, and she giggled. He hadn't considered how hot water would feel on burnt skin.

"Oh funny, is it?" He smirked at her and scooted closer to her and kissed her."I'm sorry, Cassie. I really am."

"That's okay, Sid," she said quietly, looking down. He met her eyes.

"No it's not. I haven't been a good husband to you since, well…we got married."

"That's not true. We were so happy in the beginning. Did you plant that note in my book?" She slid her hands into his.

"Guilty." The water was fogging up his glasses, so he took those off, set them ontop of his pants.

She smiled. "Sexy sweat drenched man."

He laughed. "I was horrible at writing notes back then."

"I liked it. It was charming."

He looked up into her eyes. He would have to start doing that again. He wasn't sure why they stopped. But it was clear she was charmed by them.

"I'm sorry for not getting better, Sid."

"Oh, honey, no." He took her hands firmly into his and got closer to her. "No. Don't think I'm angry at you for that." He kissed her cheeks as tears started running down them. "I'm scared. Not angry."

"I know but I shouldn't be so selfish about this!"

He rubbed her shoulders, pulled her so close to him that she just leaned into him. "You aren't, baby. You aren't. I'm sorry I was so harsh."

"Food was so expensive and I felt you slipping away and I just thought…"

Sid closed his eyes, remembering yelling at her because food was getting so expensive. It was never her fault, and damn him for being so insensitive, not knowing it would trigger this happening.

"I'm never gonna leave you, Cass. No matter what. I'm not slipping away. We're strained. But I meant it when I said for worse." She started crying harder, so he rocked her and held her.

"I know you're trying hard, Cassie. It just scares me to see you like this and know I can't do anything to make it better."

"I..it's not because of you…"

"I know. It isn't even slightly because of Michelle?" She pulled away a bit.

"Well, I mean..yeah. I found her picture in your drawer while we were moving…"

He cursed internally. So that's where that went. He'd been kind of pissed upon finding it missing, then guilty. He wasn't about to ask if Cassie took it.

"Cassie I…"

"I mean I don't blame you I"

He took his hand from hers and put a finger on her lips.

"I was being horrible, Cassie. I was thinking about her, when I should've been thinking of you. I'm not worthy of the affection you treat me with, and I'm not worthy of your forgiveness. And it's okay if you don't want to forgive me. I deserve that. Frankly, I don't deserve you.

I know that. But I am truly sorry. I'm going to put you back in your place, where you belong – the only one I desire."

She touched the side of his face while he talked. He saw the sting when he admitted to thinking about Michelle all this time. And he saw her soften. She nodded. "I'm trying, Sid." He bit his lip. "I love you, and I'm trying to see past that. But it's hard to compete with her."

He started crying this time. "It's always been you – you've always been number one for me, Cassie."

"Was it when I started to lose weight?"

He nodded, ashamed. When he looked up at her she looked scared. He didn't know what to say.

"I'm not leaving you because of your eating disorder, Cassie."

"But it's…"

"Along with me being a dick of a husband, yeah. It didn't help. But again. You didn't deserve that." She put her head in her hands and he wrapped his legs around her, holding her secure. She leaned into him, putting his head right on his heart. It's one of the sweetest things she liked to do. He took the opportunity and leaned over, and, first, picked out her wedding ring.

"Cassie, look up."

She did, and wiped her tears when she saw him holding the ring. "Oh, Sid…"

"You don't have to forgive me. Now, or ever. You really don't. But please give me a chance to prove to you that I'm going to try to be the husband you deserve. I promise, with this ring, that I will try." She nodded, held her hand out to him. He slid the ring onto her finger.

"I promise to give my all in treatment. I promise to stop throwing your food away." He laughed at how silly that sounded.

"I promise to think before I say things a little more often. I promise to learn everything I can about eating disorders. I promise to try while we're in therapy. I promise to stop looking at the wall during sex." Then she laughed at how silly he sounded, leaned over and kissed him. He kissed back.

"Now…I don't know how to ask this." Cassie stared at him questioningly.

"Marry me. Again. This time in a beautiful ceremony with all of our friends and family." He reached for the ring box, and opened it swiftly. "Let's start this over, Cassie. Let's get married again." Her jaw dropped open.

"Sid how did you-"

He just smiled at her. She squealed and nodded, nearly knocking him over with the force of the hug, and the kiss. He smiled and slid the three thin bands onto her ring finger with the other diamond ring. She giggled. He was arranging them all wrong and they looked incredibly awkward. But she would deal with that later. She put the box down on the ground, and kissed him, pulling him back into the water with a force that splashed water all over the bathroom floor.


	9. aloe vera and church camp

Cassie,

who knew aloe vera was such an aphrodisiac? I sure didn't. I'm buying breakfast and going for a swim. You still do pirouettes when you sleep. Last night it involved elbowing me in the face. That's okay, though.

It's still adorable.

Love,

Sidney the Crab

Cassie couldn't help but giggle. He had been **so** sunburnt the night before, he was whimpering getting out of the bathtub. He had then tried to lay in bed, squealed and stood up. He had to stand there, red, naked, and whimpering, and it was the most adorable sight in the world. Cassie probably didn't help matters by falling onto the bed laughing at him. But he was terribly awkward and funny.

He'd left the journal on the pillow. She introduced it to him before bed, and he loved it. Cassie looked up – there was a vase full of beautiful spring flowers on the bedside table. She looked into the vase and it was all brown and dirty. Ah. He had picked them, probably on his walk this morning.

It briefly occurred to her that they should fight more often. She laid back on the bed, looking up at the flowers. He then walked in, walked over to her, and laid beside her on the bed. 'Hey you…'

'You're' an expert flower picker.' She kissed him.

'Oh yeah? I try." He laughed. He fit himself in between her legs and laid his head on her shoulder. 'I already feel like a mid-morning nap…'

"What about a mid-morning breakfast?"

He chuckled. "Oh, yeah. I left it on the table by the door." She tried to push him off.

"Well it's not going to walk itself over here is it?" He grinned and got up, laid back down on the bed. She smirked at him as she walked over and retrieved the paper bag in which there were a couple of doughnuts. She smiled at him as he looked at her expectantly. "Thanks, babe."

Great. Just looking at these made her nauseous. There's no way. She got them out and handed him one, then sat next to him, turning it around in her hands as she sat beside him.

"Errphyphinng mppk?" came a donut-filled Sid.

She looked over at him and nodded. But even looking at him, at the greasy donut, she calculated just how many calories were contained in every single bite of his donut. He'd probably get 600 calories out of that, and that was fine for him. He had trouble keeping a single pound of weight on him. But just looking at this would probably put a couple of pounds on her. But here he was, looking at her.

She'd just said she was hungry. She had to do this. "Oh yeah. It's great." She took a bite of it, immediately disgusted. She tried to swallow it, but felt like getting sick.

She had to force it down her stomach. That hamburger she had last night wasn't this hard to accomplish, why was this simple little donut giving her so much trouble? Come on, Cassie. Eat the fucking doughnut. It's just a doughnut. Then you can go for a run, and it'll all feel better.

So she did. She scarfed it in a couple of bites, tried not to think about how rich it was, how she could feel it expanding inside of her, how gross it felt going down into her stomach. She smiled at him. "I'm uh…I'm going to shower up, babe," she said, kissing his cheek. The thought of those doughnuts in his mouth suddenly made him really unsexy. "Can I join you?" He asked innocently.

She grinned at him. "Nah, just a quick shower. That's all. Then we can go for a morning walk." He kissed her cheek. "More like a mid-morning nap." She got up and went into the bathroom, locking the door behind her, turning the faucet on.

She felt impossibly nauseous. Come on, Cassie. Come on. Come on. She sat there, determined to make it. Determined to let this feeling pass through her.

Then she looked down at her stomach, noticed the folds of skin. She stretched some of it. Nope. Can't do it. Won't do it. I tried.

She then turned the shower on, and let it come back up. Sid was suspicious with how long it took her to eat the donut, but he didn't say anything. But then he heard the faucet going for so long. She could've been just brushing her teeth, he told himself. Stop overthinking things. Don't assume the worst of her, you don't want to start a fight.

Then the shower turned on, and he thought 'well, maybe I'll just check on her. See if everything's okay, and give her a kiss.' He didn't knock, just came in, and she was sitting there. She didn't hear him. She was sitting there with her head in her hands. She'd just puked, he could tell. Oh, Cassie. He turned the shower water off and sat next to her.

She looked up at him. "I was, I was just…" He didn't say anything, which is when she started crying. "Come here, Cass." She leaned up against him, leaned up against the wall.

He rubbed her arm and studied the look on her face. It was like she was trying not to think these things. "So. Fucking. Disgusting." She whispered.

"I'm sorry, I uh..I won't get you donuts again. I wasn't thinking, Cass. I'm sorry. I know you hate them."

She shook her head, put her hands on her stomach, started pulling at the fat. Oh, he thought. That's what she means. She closed her eyes and banged her head back against the wall twice before he put his arm behind her. "Hey," he said sternly.

He gathered her up into his arms, and she nestled her head in his neck. He just rocked her there for a minute. "I just want to be grateful that you love me, Sid. That you want me. I just…"

"I know. It's not that simple." Sid closed his eyes and pulled her tighter. He prayed for this to be removed from her, to leave their marriage alone. He prayed for her to be able to eat without analyzing every little bit of something in her food. He wanted food not to torture her. So he asked it of God. He asked for his wife back, and he held her tighter and tighter as he prayed because he felt like someone was going to come and snatch her up, or that she was going to slip through his fingers. Either way, something bad, and he couldn't stop it or protect her.

Effie didn't take her headphones off until Mark made her during the assembly. During that, she just stared at the wall. Boring stuff about rules, et cetera. Then they went to their cabins. Great. She was bunking with all the girls who sneered and laughed at her.

She picked a bottom bunk in the corner of the room, away from all the girls. Mark had taken her phone, and her iPod. No media during this camp, he'd said. Just us, and God. Awesome. So she put her sleeping bag out on her bed, and reached into her duffel bag for her sweatshirt.

Under it was a leather bible. That's funny. I don't own a bible. She picked it up and a note fell out. She laid back on her bed and unfolded the piece of paper.

Elizabeth,

there's a box of biscuits directly in the middle of this duffel bag. You'll get in trouble if they find it, so be stealthy. It might make you popular with the girls, being the only one there with contraband. I hope you don't hate it too bad, yet. I didn't do this to ruin your life but I think it'll turn out better than you're expecting. Oh, and I love you.

I really do, always have. You're my Effers. I've never called you a slut, and I cringe when you do, because you most certainly aren't. I. Love. You.

I worry about you. And I worry about you hanging around Cook. Anyhow, I know you're not happy here, but it will be over before you know it. If you freak out, don't do something stupid, please? Tell Mark you need to talk to me, and call me.

Also, enjoy this bible. I know, I know, you don't believe in God and all that rubbish, right? Well, you were gonna need a bible here anyway. Enjoy it.

Tony

p.s. please let eating those biscuits be the only trouble you get into?

She wiped away a couple of tears and slid the note in the back of the bible. Then she looked up, shocked. Michelle walked in, camp counselor shirt on. Her sweet, old self. So sweet you got a nauseous feeling in your stomach and you got cavities.

"Oh, hey Effie!" She smiled, came over and gave Effie a hug. "I didn't know you'd be here! How are you?"

She said it in that same slightly annoying tone. How are yoooou.

"I'm…uh…you're a Christian now, too?" She didn't hide the shock in her voice. The Lipstick Party Princess was a bible thumper now? Michelle laughed at the incredulous look on Effie's face but she didn't look offended. "Yeah, actually. A lot's changed since I moved away, but I was fortunate enough to get this job, so here I am. What about you?"

Effie shook her head. "Oh, uh…I kind of have to be here. Tony forced it on me."

Michelle nodded understandingly, making a mental note to call him later. "Ohh. I see." Effie gave her a look. "No, I didn't mean that. I just…yeah. Are you pissed at him?" Effie shrugged.

"Just doing his moral duty to save his horrible lost sister. Who can blame him." Effie laid back on the bed.

"He doesn't think you're horrible, Effie."

"When's the last you talked to Tony?" Michelle thought about it for a minute.

"Christmas, I think."

"Yeah well, you don't know him. He's changed, too."

"Effie…"

"Stop it, Michelle. I don't want to be here." She surveyed the cabin and saw that all of the other girls had left it. "These girls are bitches and I hate it here. I want to go home."

Michelle shrugged. "Yeah, these girls do have a rep of being pretty hostile. But, if Tony forced you to come, he's probably too stubborn to let up on you. So, no use sulking is there?" She patted Effie's knee, which got her a glare.

"Right. Well. Dinner's ready."

Michelle then left her alone. She came to dinner after a few minutes, sat by Michelle. A familiar face was better than no face. But she tuned out during worship, during the sermon. She was starting to hate Tony again. Fuck him. This was going to be hell.

After all the girls went to shower, and some were tucked into bed, Michelle told them she'd be right back and slipped away with her cellphone. Their cabin had by far the best view. She sat on the big boulder by the lake and flipped through her phone contacts, hoping Tony was even still in her phone. They were still cordial, and she knew he was saved, too, but things just hadn't been the same between them for years. But hell if she didn't miss that kid. She found his number, then hesitated for a minute before calling him.

"Michelle?"

"Tony…" she'd even almost forgotten what his voice sounded like.

"Michelle. It's been forever!"

"I know, it feels like it." She felt the breeze and tucked her knees up to her chest. "How's Tony?"

"I'm good. I trust you've found Effie?"

"Yeah she's in my cabin. Pissed as hell that you made her come."

"Yeah, is she having any fun yet?"

"Strictly no fun. She mostly just sits there and pouts."

"That's kind of what I expected. I'm glad you're her counselor, though. She's been in a lot of trouble lately and there is seemingly nowhere for her to hang out in Bristol without getting in more trouble."

"Sounds like some kid I knew once. He was a real pain in the ass," Michelle said with a smile.

"Oh yeah? What ever became of him?"

"Well, God got His hands on him and smacked him in the face, from what I hear."

"Yeah. Hurts to be smacked in the face by God."

"So, I heard Cassie and Sid are married?"

"Yeah. They are. And…just now, Sid messaged me on facebook saying they're getting married again. Like, an actual ceremony this time."

"Oh, they didn't have one before?"

"No, they eloped. No one knew about it."

"Oh. Well, I hope they're doing okay."

"They are. What about you, any man in your life?"

Michelle bit her lip – she felt bad telling him. Yes, there was. But suddenly he didn't sound as good as Tony. Because he didn't KNOW her like Tony. "Yeah, my fiancee's name is Eric."

Tony didn't know what to think of that. He knew they hadn't been together since college, and that it just didn't work out. He knew that. He knew he didn't deserve to feel jealous, to want her to get back together just upon hearing her voice.

"Yeah? Well I hope he's a good guy."

"He is. I love him."

Tony didn't say anything for a minute.

"Well I have to-"

"I'm happy for you, Michelle."

"Thank you, Tony. I have to go. I'll call you sometime soon."

"Let me know how Effie's doing, would you?"

"Certainly. Goodnight, Tony."

"Night, Michelle."

She hung up on him, and stared at his picture for a minute. Oh, Tony.

"CHELLLEEEE!" Eric yelled out to her while he ran and then came to sit on the rock beside her. "What are you doing?"

"Oh, just called an old friend to talk. His little sister's in my cabin."

"Oh. Well. You okay? You look a little sad." She smiled up at him.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just haven't talked to him in a while is all."

He kissed her forehead. "Well, we're all doing a campfire, so you should make sure all your girls are in and come join us."

Michelle laughed. "Okay. Mischevious, are we?"

Eric laughed. "See you in a minute?" She nodded and walked back up to the cabin, where all the girls were asleep, save Effie. She was under her sleeping bag with a flashlight. Michelle knelt down and tapped on her. Effie turned the flashlight off and pretended to be sleeping.

"It's not lights out yet, Effie," Michelle whispered. Effie pulled back the sleeping bag cover. Her bible was by her head and her mascara was bleeding. Effie wiped her eyes.

"Want to talk about it?" Effie shrugged. Michelle beckoned her outside, to the benches that sat on the cabin. She just started crying once Michelle got her outside so she gathered her up in her arms.

"Oh, Eff. It's been a day, hasn't it?"

Effie shrugged. "I can't..fucking…I want to stop disappointing Tony but I can't believe in this." Effie pulled away and sat down, wiped her eyes off with her sleeve.

"He loves you, Eff. He's not disappointed in you." Effie shrugged.

"He highlighted a bunch of verses in my bible, left notes beside them."

"See? You are loved."

Effie just sat there for a while. "I could kill for a cigarette."

"Sorry, no cigs here, but if you start feeling icky, the nurse might give you a nicotine patch."

"I'm glad you're here Michelle."

"I'm glad you're here, too. Give this place a chance. It might not suck if you give it enough of a chance."

Effie half-smiled, and Michelle counted that a victory.

"Now go to bed. Lights out is in 10 minutes." Effie nodded and walked back up to the cabin. Michelle went in after to check on the girls, but then quietly snuck out again, and it wasn't long before she was sitting by Eric and the campfire was going, chocolate bars, graham crackers and marshmallows being passed around. Eric smiled and slipped his hand into hers. All of the counselors, including herself, were relieved this hectic first day was over. She looked over at Eric, eating a s'more raw.

He was like that. He never even toasted his pop-tarts or bagels. He sure was quirky but adorable as well, and incredibly passionate about seeing the lost get saved, especially teenagers, ands he had been so drawn to that. He loved her, too. He adored her. She'd never been adored by someone before.

Maybe that's because she'd only ever given Tony a chance while in college, and he ended finding everyone to sleep with but her. So, it didn't make sense how much she missed Tony. How much she really wanted to go to Bristol after camp and find out what it feels like to be kissed by him again. She squeezed Eric's hand. He grinned at her, marshmallow and graham cracker showing. No.

Tony was sweet, but he had only ever broken her heart. Eric wasn't going to. He was treating her like a princess, and he truly loved her. He always would. Tony would just mess this all up if she kept thinking about him. She had to stop it.

She would stop it. She would not think of Tony as anything but a friend. A shadow ripped by them, and it caught her eye. Then it fell, an 'oh-shit!' and all of the counselors got silent.

Michelle knew exactly who it was. "Effie! Stop right there!" She got up with a flashlight and walked over, shone a light on her. Effie stood up, looked down sheepishly. "What are you doing? Where were you going?"

Effie shrugged. Michelle shook her head. "Are you LOOKING for trouble to get into? Come on. We're going back to the cabin." Effie didn't give her sass, or anything, but still. Was she really just trying to run away?

Cassie was looking through websites on the computer when Sid came back to the room. "What-cha doing?" He asked, and flopped onto the bed beside her. Several hospital's websites were open on the screen.

"Just finding outpatient treatment centers…"

He rubbed her back while she looked. "Any look good?"

"Yeah, Renewed looks good. I wouldn't mind going there." He leaned in and kissed her cheek.

"I'm proud of you for seeking out help like this yourself, Cassie." She half-smiled and clicked out of the websites, turning the computer off, and laid back on the bed. He put his head in her shoulder, and she ran her hands through his hair. He liked the feeling of her fingers in her hair, so he just closed his eyes. "I don't wanna go home," he muttered.

"It's not going to be so bad," Cassie was quiet but sure, and she kept gently brushing his hair with her hands. "We're going to have an awesome ceremony, and Ben's going to stay with us, and I'm going to treatment. It won't suck that bad." Sid shrugged. He had started selling his art in the past few months, and it wasn't doing too bad. He thought that maybe, that could make up for Cassie being in treatment. He didn't want to make any comments or pressure her about money, because he knew she'd just drop out of treatment and get a job.

"I suppose," he sighed. She kissed his forehead and let him fall asleep like that, his arm extended across her stomach, head rested on her shoulder. She was scared to go home. But she'd have to do it anyway, so she just closed her eyes and savored that moment when nothing in the world was wrong.


	10. Jesus and Rubber Ducks

Effie knew morning would come early, but the girls in her cabin were crazy. Before the lights were even turned on, they were up, scuttling about, giggling even. She peeked her head out of her sleeping bag and glared at one of them, and she glared right back, then went back to giggling. Effie looked over at Michelle, who was out cold. Might as well get up, she reasoned. She got her shower stuff together, and then one of the girls told her she'd have to hurry if she was going to get a shower in.

Jeez. The girls here were insane. So she went and took a quick shower. She still hated it here, didn't like Tony for sending her here, but she loved the invigorating feeling she got stepping out into the wilderness at 5am after a hot shower. Michelle sat by her again at breakfast, but so did Olivia. Just as bright and cheery as ever, unphased by Effie's less than positive attitude toward her. Something was up with this girl. "How'd you sleep last night, Effie?" Annoyingly bubbly.

"Uh. Good. I was tired. You?"

"Just great. I love coming here. It's like…paradise out here. The way a morning feels here…"

Effie smiled. That was true. She hadn't felt that peaceful in a long time. "Today's going to rock," Michelle piped up.

"Ohyeah? What's planned?" Olivia tapped on the table.

"Well I know there's some sort of hike, and a football tournament." Olivia lit up at the mention of football.

"OOhh! My team won last year!"

"Which one was it?" Michelle smirked.

"Angel wings, I think."

"Oh. Well. We'll see, this year. You going to play, Effie?"

Effie shook her head. "I'm not one for sports, or athletics in general."

"Oh come on, Effie at least try it. It's going to be awesome!" Olivia enthusiastically begged. She reminded Effie of Pandora, how eager she was to be her friend. She didn't treat Pandora well by any measure.

"Come on, Eff. Try it at least. I think you'll like it," Michelle encouraged.

Effie shrugged. "I'll think about it."

But she thought it might be fun, so she slipped over to the sign-up table after breakfast and put in for it.

Everyone got all excited about the game. She didn't see why. It was just football. Nothing too exciting about it. You just run and kick a ball, hope to get it past the goalie. I mean, if it were a real game, on real times, it would make sense. Then, right before the game, the one of the counselors announced that the winning team of the tournament doesn't have to do their chores for a whole week. Oh, so that's why they got all excited.

Sid sat on their bed and sighed. It was raining outside, but it least it wasn't cold. Still, a stark contrast from Florida. He lay back on the bed, beside their suitcases, and yawned. Cassie walked in. He looked pitiful. She sat down on the bed by him.

"My dad's coming by today," she picked at a hole in her jeans.

"Oh yeah? You haven't talked to him since you were a kid."

Cassie nodded. "Yep, he'll be over sometime tonight when you're at work."

"You're being really casual about this, Cassie. Are you sure it's okay with you?" Cassie got up, primped a little bit in the vanity mirror. "Cause you know, you don't have to see him if you think it's too much for you."

"It's not too much for me. He's my dad. I love him."

"He left you when he was 12, and he abused you quite a bit before that, Cass." Sid sat up. "I know you – I know this has to be freaking you out."

"Even if it was, I'm safe. I mean, you'll be home from work after, and we'll process it then. He's not going to do anything to me."

"Do you want me to call in sick? I don't want to leave him here with you if you think he's going to hurt you."

She turned around, sat on the bed in between his legs and leaned on him, head on his shoulder. "You don't have to, Sid."

"I'll at least have my phone, though, and I'll get out of there if you need me to," he said into her hair. No matter what, her hair always smelled like she'd been at a fancy salon.

Sid looked at Cassie's watch and groaned. She turned slightly and kissed him. "You better go, you'll be late."

Sid didn't want to, both because he was feeling pretty lazy, and he had a bad feeling about leaving his wife with her former abuser. But he did, he leaned down and kissed Cassie one more time, reminded her that he had his phone, and went to work.

Michelle, Olivia and Effie lay in the grass, giggling and pointing out shapes in the clouds. She looked over at Effie. Finally, a weight had lifted off that girl, and Effie looked delighted. And Olivia was finally breaking through into her. She could be overbearing at times with her eagerness to have friends, and it got her heart. But Effie and Olivia seemed to fit together, and for once, Eff wasn't fighting it. They heard the lunchtime bell, and groaned as they got up, leaving the comfort of the grass behind.

Olivia started off running, shouting behind her, "LOSER TAKES ALL THREE OF THE TRAYS TO THE TRASHHH…." Effie grinned, but hung back with Michelle, who put her arm around her shoulder.

"So, what do you think so far?" Effie shrugged.

"Have to admit it doesn't suck as much as I thought it would."

"Yeah it's a pretty cool place."

Cassie was nervous, and she kept getting her phone out to tell Sid to come home, she needed him, but she stopped herself. No, she could do this. She needed to be an adult about this. Maybe he'd changed, or maybe he was right, she was exaggerating all of this.

That's what he'd always told her, when she'd been so angry at him, and she started to believe it. She didn't tell Sid that they'd been writing letters back and forth, and he'd been so sweet, wanting to get back into her life. Cassie didn't tell him much, she didn't even tell him that she was married. She just…invited him over. She wanted to see him again.

She needed to see him again. To at least face him. The memories had started to fade, and sometimes she thought she was lying to herself, exaggerating things to get attention while she was in school. She was a little brat like that. He knocked on the door, she opened it, and they both just stood there for a while.

"Cassie, why, you're…beautiful!" He embraced her right away, but she wasn't so quick to hug back. He had to tell himself it'd been so long, she'd warm back up to him. She'd give him another chance, and he wouldn't fuck up again. He had casserole to eat, and he brought it as a peace offering. She smiled at him, and he closed the door. They ate together cordially, but Cassie was uncomfortable.

The casserole was hard to eat. She wasn't worried about the calories, it was just that whenever she was nervous, it was literally hard for her to get food down in her stomach.

"So, this is a nice place. Where are you working that you can afford this?" They'd eaten most of their dinner and she got up and put their plates in the kitchen sink.

"Oh, I'm uh…I'm not working right now."

He looked confused.

"I uh, should've told you earlier, but I got married. Nearly a year ago." She extended her hand, her wedding ring. It occurred to her that she didn't have the old engagement ring necklace on. She would do that tonight. He didn't say anything for a while. She didn't want to break the silence.

"Aren't you a little young to get married?"

"Well, uh…we're doing alright."

"Are you? You're looking too thin. Are you still puking your guts out?"

The bluntness stung her. Even worse, the fact that she wasn't fooling him all these years, he just didn't say anything.

"No. No I'm not."

"So who'd you marry?"

"Sidney Jenkins." Her dad scoffed.

"That pathetic little-"

"Stop. He's my husband. This is our house. Stop saying bad things about him."

"It's not a house, little lady. It's an apartment. He can't even provide a house for you? No. That won't do." He started to storm out but knocked over the porcelain cross they had on their wall, and he looked down at it."What the heck was that?"

Cassie just stared at them. It was Elizabeth's wedding gift to them, and now it was on the floor in a million little pieces.

"Answer me," he said through gritted teeth.

"It was a wedding gift," she said quietly, holding back tears. This wasn't going how she planned it at all. She'd planned to have a nice dinner with him, some talking, maybe. Not this. She needed him out. She needed Sid home.

She looked up at the clock. Two more hours. Looking back at her dad, she saw that flare in his eyes. This wasn't good.

"You didn't even TELL me you were getting married, and now you're doing this holy roller mumbo-jumbo, thinking you're better than everyone else? What did you invite me here for, even? To tell me what a horrible father I've been? You know what? I worked HARD for you. I gave you everything, even after your mom kicked me out."

Cassie felt like slipping through the walls. She crossed her arms and fought crying. As soon as he saw she was crying, he would just get pissed.

"You little slut," he muttered. That was enough.

"Don't you dare. Don't you dare call me a slut. Get out, Dad."

"Don't tell me what to do, little lady. Sure, you probably think that I ruined your life, but God forbid you take any fucking shred of responsibility for it!" He was shouting now, punching the walls.

Sid kept getting a bad feeling, so he asked his manager if he could leave early. Thankfully, he was given permission, so he rushed home. And his fears were confirmed when he ran down the hallway and could hear banging on the walls and yelling. Oh, please let that be our neighbors. Please don't let him be hurting Cassie.

Sid walked in to find Cassie looking at the ground, her dad yelling at her. He looked up at him as soon as he came in.

"Tell her. You need to order her to get some shred of responsibility in your life. Take charge, son, or she'll get unruly."

Sid shook his head, took Cassie's hand. "With all due respect, Mr. Ainsworth, that's not how our marriage works." He beckoned Cassie into the kitchen and as soon as he got her there, wrapped her in his arms.

She was cold, didn't hug back, didn't give him any response. "What's going on, Cassie?"

She shook her head. "He thinks I've made some mistakes, some…"

He stroked her hair. "He knows about Benjamin and he's going to fight to get custody and Sid he's going to win because he knows I'm sick he's going to win," she started losing the fight with her tears and he kissed her forehead.

"No he's not, Cassie. No he's not." He walked back into the living room. Her dad was waiting by the wall, listening in.

"Well again, all that matters is you, isn't it, you little-"

Sid cut in, standing between Cassie and her father, protectively. "Don't you dare call my wife names."

"Well, if she knew what was good for the boy, she wouldn't expose him to her selfishness with all this food rubbish." Sid shook his head, pointed at the door.

"You need to get out, Sir."

"I'm not going anywhere." He looked into Cassie's eyes, and something about it made her hide behind Sid.

"Yes, you are. You're either leaving right now, or I'm calling the police, and you're leaving that way."

"For what? Showing some tough love to my daughter?"

Cassie looked down, the tears coming now.

"Oh what are you crying about? Tough it up!"

He reached past Sid to try to grab her shoulders. Sid pushed him back and shouted at him.

"Get out. Now. Out, or I call the police." Cassie's dad put his hands up, and started walking backwards. Sid walked forward, inching him toward the door. He got him out, and then he escorted him outside.

"Listen. You're not welcome anymore. You're not welcome to contact my wife in any way. If we have to get a restraining order we will."

This hurt him.

"What if I want to try again? You know, try to be a good dad." Sid shook his head at him. Are you fucking kidding me? He thought.

"That, back there, wasn't even you trying, okay? And if it was? Go try somewhere else. Cassie's got enough on her plate, and she's an incredibly strong woman despite you and all the shit you put her through. No one in her life, including her, needs you to come in and fuck it all up just because you feel you need some closure."

"She's lying. She'll do anything to get attention," her Dad said, shaking his head. "She's a good liar."

Sid didn't care. "She doesn't even have to tell me anything, Sir. I can see where you broke her, and she's worked hard rebuilding what you tore apart. You are not welcome to come in here and fuck it all up again. Go. And don't come near Cassie again."

He just stood there. Sid got out his phone, threateningly.

"OK, Fine. Don't overreact. I'm leaving."

Sid stood and watched him drive off, walked down and made sure he got on the highway as well. Then he went inside. Cassie was standing right by the door.

"Were you listening?"

She nodded, smiling at him. A fake smile, though. An I-can-handle-this-just-watch-me smile. "You're the best husband in the world," she managed to get out in a whisper, and threw herself into his waiting arms.

He didn't even know what to say to make it better, or if he could say anything. "I'm sorry I didn't come home sooner." He pulled back. "Did he do anything to you?"

She shook her head, still holding back tears. He rubbed her arms. "I admire you, you know that?" He met her eyes.

She shook her head. "Why?"

He kissed her forehead, then her cheeks.

"You're strong," he whispered.

She chuckled and shook her head.

"I'm fine." He knew she was lying, but she didn't respond well to him pushing her.

She disconnected from him and, arms wrapped around herself, went in the bedroom, then the bathroom, closing the door. He heard the bathwater running. "Do you need anything, Cassie?" He said through the door.

"No, I just want to be alone for a while, that's all."

"Okay. I love you."

He let her alone, doing the dishes from dinner, cleaning up the mess from the cross that got knocked over, putting leftovers in the fridge. He decided to clean the kitchen up for her a bit. He never did, and she was always nagging him about it. So, now, he just decided to clean everything up. He made it so clean it sparkled, and then went to the bedroom, yawning.

What a fucking long day. He heard nothing from the bathroom, so he knocked on the door. "I have to pee, Cass, can I come in?"

"Yes." He came in and gave her a half smile, and, after going to the bathroom, came over to check on her. She hadn't started crying yet. She was playing with a little rubber duckie in the water. They'd had it for a while, but she thought she'd get it out since Benjamin was coming here soon. And she wasn't sure she could do it, whether she was supposed to do it.

She couldn't remember anything anymore about the abuse, whether it happened. There had to be a reason she didn't report it. Maybe her dad was right, maybe she was just a little dramatic? She didn't really deserve Sid, then. One of the things he said to her was that no man would ever really love her because of what she did to her family. She couldn't remember what happened, even.

So it had to be true. She didn't deserve this man loving her, giving everything up for her. Sid could have Michelle in a minute if he wanted her. And she didn't have so much shit in her life. She started panicking as she thought that maybe none of this actually happened. Sid just studied her.

She wouldn't even look up anymore, just at the tile wall. He looked down at her arm and saw the bruise. He reached over and ran her hand across it. She jerked her arm away, splashed water onto Sid by pulling away from him to the other end of the tub protectively. Shit, Sid thought. He'd already fucked it.

He'd already come in here and erased over a decade of progress that Cassie made. Fuck him.

"You're safe now, Cassie. He's not coming back." Cassie just drained the bathtub and stood up. Sid got her a towel, but she just took it, wouldn't let him wrap it around her. He just sat there, watched her walk out into the bedroom. He picked up the rubber duckie, turning it over in his hands.

Then he heard the thump, and he heard her sobbing. He was by her instantly. She was crumpled up on the floor, her body shaking with all the tears. He pulled her up a little bit so he could hold her.

"What did he say to you, Cassie?"

She shook her head, and he rubbed her back until the crying stopped. She lay on her pack then, resting her head in his lap. He looked down at her, stroked her hair. "What did he say?"

"I don't know if it really happened, Sid."

"What are you talking about?"

"All of it. I can't remember anything and he thinks I'm making it up."

"That doesn't mean it didn't happen, Cassie. It was a long time ago."

"What if I'm making this up and I'm just delusional?" She sat up. "Would you still love me?"

He nodded. "Of course."

She looked at him, surprised.

"I married you, Cassie. There's nothing you can do that will make me question my devotion."

She looked down.

"It happened, Cassie. I know. You used to remember."

She looked up at him.

"You used to sleep under your bed as a kid, right?"

"Yeah because I was a stupid little kid, though."

"You went on a diet when you were seven."

"Yeah but…"

He looked at her, challenging.

"It feels like none of that really happened." She moved a little closer to him.

"It did. But it won't, anymore."

"Do you ever wish you married someone who wasn't so fucked up?"

"Who's not fucked up?" He kissed her cheek.

"No, but I mean…someone who doesn't have an eating disorder, wasn't allegedly sexually abused."

"No. I don't ever wish I married anyone different."

She didn't say anything else just leaned into him, and fell asleep pretty quick in his arms. He put her to bed, just watching her sleep, even though he couldn't.

Fred didn't want to go out that night. The partying had worn him out. He felt like he was growing out of it. It was pointless, really. Getting drunk just to feel good, to hook up. It felt like a waste of time, although it was really good to see Max.

So he just sat on the deck of Max's apartment and sipped on a beer before Max came home. Max came in to notice his place entirely cleaned. It was weird. "Uh, Freds?" He walked outside to see him on the deck. Fred looked up at him.

Something was up, Max could see it. "You know you didn't have to clean my place up, right?" Fred shrugged while Max pulled up a chair, lit up a cigarette. "Well, thanks anyway." They sat in silence for a while before Max decided to be the one to pipe up. "So, what's up with you and Effie? I heard that her and Cook hooked up." He was always so blunt.

"Yeah. I left her."

"Why?"

Fred lit his own cigarette. "She tried to get hit by a bus like Tony did."

"No shit?" Max was a little shocked, even a little offended. After all, he was there that night. He saw Tony wrecked like that, too.

"So I left. And now Cook has her."

"Right."

"I was stupid though. I don't think she'll take me back."

"Try. When is your dad coming to get you to go back to Bristol?"

"Tomorrow morning."

"Chase her down, Freds. You two are in love and anyone else can see it."

Fred didn't know if he could, or he wanted to. He had no guarantee she wouldn't try this again, and he would fall apart if he lost Effie, too. Knowing she was alive, pissed at him, but alive, even in the arms of some other guy, was hard, but at least she wouldn't be dead.

His dad got there the next morning and they went back to Bristol in silence, until his dad broke the silence.

"Is this over a girl, that Effie girl?"

Fred nodded.

"You broke up with her?"

"She tried to kill herself."

More silence. Fred resented him, and that wasn't lost on his dad. He wanted to know what his dad didn't do to get her help. Because whatever he didn't do caused the suicide. "We'll go get ice cream, Freddie," she'd promised him, running her hand through his hair. He was just getting to that age where he didn't want his mom being all cheesy around him.

"Yeah, but the science fair is on Friday. Everyone is coming and my project is so cool, you have to be there." She had smiled sadly at him. "I've seen your project, Fred." He'd gotten pissed.

"No – you've seen what I've done with it so far. It's going to be so awesome at the science fair and you're going to miss it!"

"Just watch your sister for me, okay? We'll be back soon." And his parents had driven away. His dad drove back in the morning without her, saying she'd be home in a week, and she just…didn't come home. His dad never told him the official story, so he had to search around with aunts and uncles. Finally, his grandfather had broken the truth to him. She had gotten out of the hospital early, and jumped off of a bridge into a river. It had been rainy, no one saw her.

"Everyone tried their best, Fred," his grandfather had said. "No one could've kept her alive."

Neither of them said anything on the car ride home. He left immediately went he got home, straight over to Tony's. That's where she'd be, he was sure. He knocked on the door, and surprisingly, Cook answered and let him in.

"Uh, Cook, where's Effy." Tony got up from the couch, came over and shook Fred's hands.

"I made her go to church camp," said Tony.

Both of them, unanimously, said "What?"

They had both come looking to find her. Cook could tell how much they both loved her. But he didn't want either of them near his sister.

"We've uh, just been talking.." Cook explained.

"Oh." Fred sat down on the couch.

And they did. Tony was just talking. He wasn't being harsh or pushy. He seemed to just want to talk. Both of them could detect something under the surface though, something that said 'Stay away from my sister, whatever you do."

As the weeks went by for Effie, she liked camp more and more, but she still felt unsafe, so she lingered around Michelle and Olivia. The sermon that night was intense. She didn't know why, though. She'd ignored every sermon up to this point. She hated the possibility of even thinking about this Jesus thing. It changed people so much.

For a while after Tony became a Christian, she didn't feel like she knew him, he'd changed so radically. He didn't drink anymore, or sleep around. She didn't like it. She wanted her brother back. So she'd stopped talking to him.

Slowly, she'd gotten to know this new Tony. He wasn't bad, he just…wasn't Tony. And she couldn't tell which version of him she preferred. Michelle kept talking about God comforting and protecting. She also talked about the need to be saved a lot, just enough to where she wasn't too annoying. Tonight, something was different. None of this made sense.

As everyone got up for worship, Effie didn't even pretend. She just sat there. Something spoke in her heart, though, and very clearly said 'You. Need. Me.' She started crying when she heard those words, thankful for the drums and the guitar and the dimmed lights because no one could hear her.

She'd always been able to take care of her own needs, and here she was confronted with the fact that she was doing a shoddy job. She'd learned a lot about Jesus at this camp. And if He was who they really said He is, not who she always thought he was, then yeah, she needed Him, and she wanted Him. She wanted, more than anything, to talk to Tony. She wasn't in a crisis, and Michelle was fine to talk to, she just…she just wanted to talk to Tony about this. She didn't realize it, but she'd been sitting there after the worship service was through, because everyone was taking apart the set.

She got up and walked outside. Michelle and Olivia were both sitting in a group with a bunch of people, so she sat by Michelle.

Michelle noticed something was up. Effie was just…different tonight. Something was changing. So she looked over at Eric, and he nodded.

"Hey, Eff. Let's walk." Effie looked up at Michelle and nodded. They walked away from everyone and all the noise. Michelle didn't want to push Effie. She just let her walk.

"What do I have to do…to…you know…have Jesus like you do?"

Michelle was caught a bit off guard. That's not what she thought was going to happen. "Well, it's quite simple, really. You tell him you're sorry, you ask him to forgive you, and let you have a second chance, and ask him to come into your heart."

"And He does?"

"Yes."

"Instantly?"

"Yeah, it's wonderful."

"What does that mean, though? A get out of hell free card?"

"Not just that, Effie. Not just that."

"Well then, what else?"

"His peace, a relationship, grace, the knowledge that there's someone there, the most powerful someone, who will never be tired of you, no matter how many times you mess up. Knowing he's not going to walk away from you, and being able to rely on his strength. Everything. Everything."

Effie looked over at her.

"I want to."

"You understand this means a lot of sacrifice, right? It means giving up things you do that he sees as sinful." They both stopped walking.

"Yes. I don't care. I just want to."

"So pray. Tell him."

And Effie closed her eyes, Michelle held her hands. Effie did pray with everything she had. Tears began falling as she apologized, and she asked for a new start, and she asked for Him to be with her and to never leave, because she wanted someone who wouldn't leave her. After she was done, Michelle hugged her.

Effie even felt different. There was this huge tension in her chest that she'd carried since she was a kid, probably. This…intense anger that made her stop talking. As she disconnected from Michelle's hug she noticed that all of that was just…gone.

When they got back, no one was there but Mark. He stood in the doorway of the assembly hall, looking all weird and somber. "Hey, Effie. I need to talk to you." Michelle followed Effie up the stairs. Effie wondered if she was in trouble for the biscuits in her duffel bag. If so, these people took little trivial rules way to seriously. Then she noticed there were two chairs. Mark was sitting in one of them. "I've got some bad news, Effie."

Michelle didn't even know what was going on, but she felt Effie stiffen as she wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

"We just got word from Bristol that two young men died tonight, and someone said you know them. There isn't any easy way to say this…"

"Say what? Say what?" Effie pushed him, walking closer to him.

"Fred, and Cooke? They were in a car accident this afternoon, Effie."

She just stood there and looked at him. "Effie?" It was Michelle. She had her cellphone out. Mark looked at Michelle, and walked out of the room. Michelle dialed Tony.

"Michelle-" by the tone of her voice he'd already heard the news.

"Effie just found out," said Michelle quietly and handed the phone to Effie, who just sat down.

"Effie? Effie?" Came Tony's voice.

"Effie, I'm sorry."

"They're lying, right?" She sounded casual.

"What?"

"Fred and Cook. They're probably just playing some ridiculous practical joke. I'll kill them myself when I get home, then it'll be true. No need to freak out now."

"No. It wasn't a joke. I was just with them, this afternoon."

"Then- why. What happened?"

"They drove off together, Eff. And we don't know what else happened."

"You fucking let me come to this camp, Tony, and now you tell me this?"

"I didn't know this was going to happen."

"I want to come HOME!"

"Camp gets over tomorrow. I'm coming to get you."

"You can't DO THAT Tony you can't take them away! They're the only people besides you and Mom I've ever felt any fucking shred of emotion for and now you're telling me that they're gone? Are you kidding me?"

Tony picked up his car keys, holding the phone away from himself while she screamed at him, but eventually she stopped. "I'll be there soon, Eff."

Effie just sat against the wall and curled up. Michelle didn't know what to say to her. She just sat with her and waited.


	11. dinosaurs and giraffes

Both Sid and Cassie needed church that morning. It felt like forever since they had been fed. Immediately, they felt warmed and welcomed. Elizabeth walked over to Cassie as they got their seats and gave her a hug. "Hello, darling." Cassie smiled up at her.

She was grateful for the way Elizabeth had adopted her, regardless of how her and Sid's marriage was going. Elizabeth had always been nice, but since she and Sid got married she had really been a Mom. It was unnerving and uncomfortable, but wonderful as well.

"You two look refreshed," Elizabeth observed with that smile she always had on her face.

They both laughed and replied enthusiastically that they were, however exhausted they were from the night before. Sid made a mental note to get her a bouquet of flowers and take her out to dinner. His mom had done everything humanly possible to keep him and Cassie sane lately. The drums and the guitar started, and worship was beginning. It always took Sid a minute to get into it, and he was usually annoyed by worship. He didn't like the way some verses were repeated, over and over again, and he just wanted to get on with it.

But he'd learned to be respectful when he wasn't feeling it, and pray, and let people bask. But today was different. He just…needed it. So he sat down, then quickly fell to his knees. He let himself breathe easy and extend his arms, and cleared his mind – and he just listened. He didn't know what to say to God today- he had already thanked him and praised him for preserving Cassie's safety the night before, and expressed his concern for her heart now.

By the time worship was over, he sat in his chair, and leaned forward to listen to the sermon. Cassie gently scratched his back. Then there was worship again, and he just closed his eyes and prayed. When he opened them, he noticed Cassie knelt at the alter. He looked over at his mom, who beckoned him to join her. He did.

He got up and knelt beside her at the alter. She slipped her shaky hand out into his. He looked over at her- troubled. He prayed with her until the music stopped, then he looked over at her questioningly. "I remember now," she whispered. He just squeezed her hand and sat with her.

Elizabeth offered to take them to lunch, beating Sid to the punch.

Cassie looked at Sid. "Sure, that would be great, yeah."

Sid nodded as well.

"Your choice though, Mom."

"Are you sure?" She was gathering up her purse.

"After all that you've done for us? Yeah. We're sure."

They went to her favorite cafe, and Sid sneakily got the bill. When they finally got home, Cassie was exhausted. "Ugnhhh can't believe Benjamin gets here tomorrow, and then ceremony planning, and can't forget about the appointment with the psychologist at Renewed…" She rubbed her forehead, already stressing herself.

Sid sat down beside her with a soda. "Yeah, we've got our plates full, that's for sure."

"Are you sure you're okay with Benjamin being here, Sid? I know you don't like kids."

"Yes, Cass. I am sure."

"No. Not just because you know I want him to be here. Do you want him to be here?"

"I…" Sid hesitated. No. He really wanted more time with Cassie. He thought they needed it. But he also knew that Cassie really wanted to take care of her little brother.

"I don't know. I mean, yeah, I'm not too fond of kids. But I'm fine with it."

"Because just say the word, and I'll call it off."

"Don't call it off Cass, unless you're having second thoughts. Are you?"

She shrugged.

"Some things my dad said that just…"

"Don't listen to him, okay? Nothing he said last night had any credibility or ever will. I have watched you," he took her hand, "and you're wonderful with kids, Cassie, and especially after we lost ours, it might help us…you know, move on a little bit." Cassie looked down when he said that. She hadn't mentioned it. On the vacation she seemed to be pretending that it never happened.

He'd worried that he was breaking her during sex. The doctor had told them to be careful, but Cassie seemed eager to pretend, in all aspects and ways, that their baby never existed. And, well, in a way, it didn't. They never held it. Sid never got to rest his head on Cassie's tummy and hear his child inside of her. They barely got the chance to revel in being parents before they weren't anymore.

He wasn't dealing well, and he wanted to tell her. But she seemed to want none of any of this. He didn't blame her for wanting to forget. It wasn't him who woke up with those cramps, covered in blood. But he didn't want to forget, and he'd never let himself forget that they DID have a child of their own, even if just for a number of weeks, a number of hours knowing about it.

Cassie shrugged. "I'm fine with it, you know, I've made peace with it."

"You've never talked about it, Cassie. You went through hell, I know you did – and you lost a child-" she tried to shut him out. She covered her ears.

"I said I'm over it," she said when she went silent and dropped her hands.

"How the fuck?"

"I dealt with it, Sid. Not my fault that you haven't dealt with it. I don't want to talk about dead babies all day, though." Sid shook his head as she got up and walked into the kitchen. When he heard her tackling the dishes, he got up and tried to help her with him, but she just shrugged him off.

"Well, I mean, that aside. Do you want to take Benjamin in, Cassie? Because it's up to you either way, and I'll be fine with it. Your call."

She shrugged.

"Okay. I'll leave it up to you then. Whatever you decide, I'll support."

He leaned over and kissed her cheek.

Tony drove straight through, speeding the entire way. He didn't know if his old cooper would make it, but it did. He'd neglected to stop for gas – he just left. He saw a disaster coming with Effie. He doubted Michelle could even restrain her if she freaked out. And he only hoped that he could.

Tony met Mark at the camp entrance. No words were spoken; they both just ran to the assembly hall. Luckily, Effie hadn't lost it. She was just sitting there. She didn't notice Tony coming in, though, which worried him. "Eff Eff I'm here, Eff."

He stumbled running up to her, and slid right to her. She just looked up at him.

"Where's Fred? He was coming to get me."

He looked up at Michelle, who pointed at the door. Mark sat with Effie as Michelle escorted him out.

"She doesn't…she's pushing it back. She's been coming in and out of knowing. I've been telling her every time." Tony tried collecting himself, then started walking back in.

"Oh, and Tony?" He looked back at her. Not now, Michelle. I've got more important things to worry about, if you haven't noticed. She half-smiled at him. "She got saved earlier this evening."

He wanted to run up and hug Michelle, but he would do that later. Now he just wanted to get Effie out of here. "Will you get her stuff for me?"

"Of course." Michelle walked back to the cabin in embarrassment. She didn't turn into jelly like that at Christmas. Why now? Tony had nothing good for her. At least, that was true when neither of them was saved. What about now?

Tony pulled Effie up. "Come on, girl. Let's get you home."

"I'm waiting for Fred," she pulled herself back down.

He didn't know how to deal with that. If she was just pushing this back, it would be fine. But not if she really couldn't remember. Luckily, she was lightweight, so he pulled her back up, and carried her out to the car. Michelle met them at the car, threw the bags in back. He half smiled at her as he unloaded Effie in the passenger seat.

"Thanks, Michelle. Coming to Bristol after camp?"

Michelle nodded. "I'll get in touch with you."

Tony turned on his car, and then realized he was nearly empty and forgot his wallet. "Shit." He ran back to catch up with Michelle, and Mark met them halfway.

"Mark I forgot money for gas will you spot me I'll-"

Mark didn't let him finish, just put the bills in his hand. "Go."

He nodded gratefully, rushed back to the car, and managed to get halfway to a gas station before the car crapped out. The camp assembly was probably starting soon, Mark was busy. Effie, luckily, was just staring out the window. So he called Sid.

Sid hated the sound of his phone sometimes. Mostly when it wouldn't shut up. He looked at his bedside table, and Cassie pulled him back down to kiss her. "I think that's actually important." He cursed internally and sat up, opening the phone up. "This better be really important."

"It is," replied Tony.

"I'm…20 miles or so from church camp with Effie and my car just died."

"Everything okay?"

"Long story, but can you help?"

"Yeah. I'll be there soon."

Cassie groaned. "Pleeassee come back to bed." Sid put his pants and shirt.

"It's Tony, and you know" he leaned down to kiss her "I'd shrug it off if I could." She pouted in response.

"Way to ruin a sunday afternoon."

"No joke. I'll be back tonight, okay?"

She put her head under the pilllow and groaned as he left.

"You know what I decided?" Effie had rolled back her seat by now, feet on the dash.

"What's that?"

"You got hit on purpose."

He leaned back his own seat. "How do you figure that?"

"You just did it to get a new cell phone."

She started laughing. Like, really laughing. He'd never seen her laugh like this. He couldn't help but crack up as well.

"Yes, Effie. That is exactly why I got hit by a bus and almost died."

Finally, Sid's car pulled to the side, and they both got her stuff and put it in Sid's trunk. "You are the best, Sid," chirped Effie. Cheery as ever.

Sid gave Tony a look, thinking he left his wife in bed on a sultry sunday afternoon for a crisis. This better have been good. They hurried to the gas station and, thankfully, Mark had given him quite a bit more money than just enough to top off, so he bought enough fuel, and they drove back. Sid and Effie sat against the car while Tony fueled up the car. "So Effie," he ventured. "I thought camp didn't get out till this afternoon."

Effie just shook her head, and Tony signaled Sid to cut it out, which is when he started getting a little pissed. "Just asking." He got up. Effie got up too, and got inside the car, curling up in the passenger seat.

"Uh…Fred and Cook died last night."

"What? When?"

"Yesterday afternoon after leaving my place from what I can tell. If it's any consolation to know they prayed to be saved right before they left," Tony shrugged, "but I'm guessing that won't be a comfort for a good long while."

Sid leaned against the car. "Shit." They stood like that while Tony continued the seemingly impossible task of emptying the fuel inside the mini cooper.

"So, uh, how's the wedding preparation coming? Oh, and by the way, you never told me what I'm going to wear." Sid shrugged.

"From what Cassie's told me, just Kakhis and button down shirts for all the dudes."

"Sounds good."

"Not gonna be a really big deal, since it's on such short notice."

Sid looked into the car at Effie. "How's she holding up?"

Tony shrugged. "She won't admit it happened. She's still expecting Fred and Cook to come get her. How's Cassie holding up?"

"Oh, you know. Not talking about it. I tried to get her to earlier today. She just refuses to hear it. We're taking in her kid brother, and she still doesn't want to talk about it."

"Yeah, well, give her time. She probably needs to come to terms with it before she'll talk."

"Probably."

Finally, they were done, all the gas was in the car, and they both drove off to town. Tony was relieved to see that Effie had fallen asleep for the car ride, but halfway there she started having nightmares. She'd whimper, then cry out for Fred. He'd put his hand on her shoulder and she wouldn't wake up, but it seemed to get her to fall back asleep. This wasn't going to be good.

Sid decided to skip Cook's funeral, seeing as he barely knew him and Benjamin was coming that day. It was hectic. He was stuck with him, too, as Cassie took 20 minutes outside hugging goodbye to her mom. Luckily, Benjamin loved him, so he just kept telling him how cool his dinosaur was. But the kid was tired, Sid could tell. He just rubbed his back until he leaned back on him, and with relatively little fuss, conked out.

Cassie walked in and leaned down to kiss Sid. "See, you're a natural." She plucked him out of Sid's arms, though, and took him into the guest room to sleep. They just sat there, Benjamin's suitcases in hand. "It's kind of like we're parents now," Sid observed.

"Not kind of. We are. We're responsible for him now, until Mom gets out of treatment." Cassie leaned her head on his shoulder and yawned.

"Well, yeah. We are. It's just weird to be parents now."

Tony let Effie skip Cook's funeral. She hadn't come out of her room in 24 hours. He kept bringing trays of food to her at mealtimes but she wouldn't eat. She just lay there. She didn't respond when he sat there with her, when he kissed her cheek goodnight and pulled her comforter over her. She just stared at the wall, at the picture of her and Cook.

He supposed there wasn't much else to do, but he managed to get his mom to come over, and she let Tony have a break. She drew a bath for Effie, and, without speaking, Effie came to the bathroom curiously.

"Come here, dear. Water's nice and warm."

Effie managed to get her clothes off and just crawled into the tub, pulled her knees up to her chest. Her mom kissed her forehead. "There's my darling." Then her mom poured water over her head, and, though it was soothing, the last person who ever did that with her was Fred. She lost it at that point – sobbing so loud and fast she could hardly breathe. Her mom just rubbed her back some more, no speaking, and kept pouring the water over her head.

She grabbed a sponge and started washing her gently. "He's supposed to come and get me today," Effie managed to get out. "He's supposed to pick me up."

"I know sweetheart," came her mom. "I know."

Effie felt considerably better after the bath – her mom had bathed her, and then walked her back to her room, got her back in her pajamas, and she'd even brought something special from home – her stuffed Giraffe, Perot. She lay down on the bed, and her mom pulled her up slightly so she was in her lap, and could brush her hair out. Effie clung to Perot and closed her eyes – everything just seemed to fit. The tears stopped and her breathing slowed as her mom brushed and braided her hair, then pulled the comforter over her. She started to get up but Effie reached out for her, so she sat down by Effie and rubbed her back while she, very quickly, drifted off to sleep.

Sid was disoriented when he heard it- the crying. A slow, high whine that kept repeating like an alarm clock. He opened one eye and there was Benjamin, on Cassie's side of the bed, bawling with snot going down his face to boot. he may not have noticed Sid being awake, so he closed his eyes again, hoping it would wake Cassie. It didn't- he nudged her. Still silence, still nothing.

So he nudged her gently. Nope, nothing. Fine, he thought. He got up and walked over to Benjamin. And then the smell came. So that's what was wrong.

"Come here, little guy," urged Sid. He took his hand and walked him to the bathroom. Parenting crash course 101, figured Sid. Poor child had soiled and wet his pants. So sid turned on the shower and took his pajamas off for him, threw them in the laundry basket by the nearby washer in the bedroom.

Benjamin just started screaming, probably embarassed. "Hey, hey..no it's okay buddy. It's okay." He picked him up and got him into the shower, and the screaming still increased. The warm water and Sid gently washing him off seemed to soothe him a bit, but he was still crying. He couldn't really think of anything to do, so he talked to him.

"I wet my bed, too," said Sid, turning off the shower and wrapping a towel around him, then picking him up and carrying him down the hallway. "From when I was your age, till I was ten." The crying was gradually getting softer, and Sid sat on the small bed with him after changing the sheets and picking out some pajamas for him to wear. While he talked, he got him into them.

"Turns out, I was just getting used to everything. That's all it was. Takes time to get used to all that stuff. Nothing to be embarrassed about." By now, he didn't notice, but Benjamin had fallen asleep. "It got better, eventually. I learned when I had to go and my body got used to it, and before I knew it…" he was going to continue, but Cassie stood in the doorway, smiling at him.

"How much of that did you hear?"

"All of it." She was half-smiling. He tucked Benjamin into bed and got up, walked over to Cassie.

"You are a natural." Sid scoffed.

"Right. Me. A natural with kids. That was just pure luck, he was already sleepy."

Cassie lay down in their bed again while Sid put everything in the washer. "I don't know, Sid," she muttered, closing her eyes. "That was perfection." He started to reply but she was curled up on his side of the bed, out cold. He took hers, and wrapped his arms around her. Yeah, he thought. I did rock that.


	12. orange chicken and too much beer

Sid had to go to work early, so he fed Benjamin and got him dressed and watching cartoons, then left a note in their journal on his pillow.

Went to work a wee bit early

Ben's fed and changed and all

Call if you need anything. LOVE.

He kissed her forehead and started the coffee up for the morning, then was off to work.

Effie managed to get up for Fred's funeral. She was still zombie-like, but she was there, put together. She just followed Tony out to the car, and didn't react when she walked in to the church sanctuary to see his picture sitting next to a casket. Tony sat down, but she walked up to the coffin. She could feel eyes on her, waiting to see if she would crack. She placed her picture of Fred next to the framed picture, and just stared at it all for a while. Part of her wanted to open the coffin and see if this was all a lie.

If he wasn't in there. She just turned around and started walking back. She noticed halfway back, two rows in front of Tony, JJ sitting there, not formally dressed. He was tapping the pew in front of him. She slid in the pew next to him and he nodded a hello to her.

He was their best friend. Tony, Cook and JJ were all inseperable. Everyone knew JJ had Asperger's, and yes, he got teased, but he fit in perfectly with these two, and there wasn't really anyone else he talked to.

"JJ…"

"It's been…uh…it's been a few days, so there's, there's really no chance, Effie, that it's a practical joke. I considered that possibility too, you know, knowing Cook. He would do something like that to escape an arrest warrent or something. Fred wouldn't, but Cook would. B-but, Cook would tell me. He would tell me, and I've been c-ch-checking my cell-phone every five minutes not counting bedtime since I heard the rumor. A-a-and nothing. Nothing from either of them."

Effie put her hand on his shoulder and he stopped tapping the seat in front of him. And neither of them said anything, for the rest of the funeral. Driving Effy home, Tony finally piped up. He took the long way on purpose. "I need to tell you something, Effie." She didn't respond, so he just kept going. "I talked to both of them, like, that afternoon. And both of them…well…both of them prayed to get saved while they were talking to me. And then they left. It was hours before the crash happened."

Effie didn't know what to say, but relief was an understatement."You mean they…"

"Yeah. You'll see them again."

She smiled, he parked the car in front of their house, and he turned on the radio. They just sat there for hours without saying anything. They didn't need to. They just needed to be still.

Sid had a wonderful day at work- more sales than he imagined ever making, happy customers, his boss was in a good mood – everything worked right, so he stopped and picked up a bouquet of flowers for Cassie on the way home. What he found when he walked in, though, was utter chaos. Cassie was trying to get Benjamin to stop screaming. Everything was overwhelmingly loud. "Stop! Stop it stop it stop it!" She was losing it with his crying. This wasn't like her, though.

She was a child expert. If anyone could handle a tantruming child it was her. He put the flowers on the coffee table and Ben, in his tantrum, knocked them over, which is when Sid picked him up and tried to calm him – it didn't work. Cassie was losing it. "Stop! Sid, stop him! Make it stop I can't stand it!"

She kept yelling at him. He was at a loss, though, with a 5 year old screaming and kicking him, and then his wife screaming at him to make it stop. "OK – OK! Hold on- Ben, STOP!" He didn't listen.

Sid pulled out his phone and quickly texted Tony, who had become quite good with kids. He worked on the pediatric ward of the mental hospital in town and if anyone would know how to handle this, he would.

From – Sid

wanna repay that favor? Cassie's freaking out, so is Ben, we can't get him to stop, need your help. please!

From- Tony

I'll be right there- just keep talking to him calmly. He might mimick the calmness in your voice.

Sid was trying, but Ben just kept screaming. Cassie stopped screaming along with him and went outside to their deck, curled herself up on their swing chair. She didn't know what happened. He was just upset. Maybe it was being without his mom, maybe he wasn't used to her anymore.

But a toy broke, and he lost it. Children crying had never bothered her before – but now she couldn't stop hearing it. A baby. They'd lost a baby. They really had. Or, she lost it, because she wouldn't eat, and she kept fighting with Sid.

She brought it upon herself, she wasn't ready. What if she killed their kid? They could've been parents, and Sid would've made an excellent Dad. I mean, of course he did- he was already doing such a good job with Ben. She wasn't.

She was utterly failing. She stood up. Sid was inside, she couldn't hear anything but still, that screaming. She leaned over the deck, looking down. Six stories suddenly seemed so far. She had a coin in her pocked it, so she got it out, dropped it down, watched it fall to the concrete.

Sid thought Tony would never get there but he had given up doing anything but holding Ben and hoping he would calm down soon – maybe he just wanted to go home, maybe he ate something weird. Whatever it was, Sid wasn't looking forward to this happening again. Finally came Tony, sat down by Sid and gathered up the screaming child. Sid didn't say anything, just went out to the deck to see Cassie halfway leaned over it. He grabbed her, turned her around and shook her, thinking the worst automatically.

"Don't. Don't. Don't. You hear me? Don't."

Finally, Ben stopped crying. Cassie wouldn't relax, though. He kissed her forehead. "Cassie please let me take you to the hospital," he whispered, "please please please. It's okay that you can't handle this."

"But ben…"

"I can handle Ben for a little while."

"But I'm fine!"

"No you aren't. Please, Cass. Please." She put her head in his shoulder as it started raining. Storming, in fact.

"He won't stop crying, Sid," she muttered.

"Tony's got him to stop. He stopped."

"He's still screaming. I can hear it. Can't you hear it?"

That's it, he thought. I have to get her there. The wedding could wait for whatever was happening. "Come on, Cass. Let's go to the hospital. Let's get you changed." She hadn't, in fact, changed out of her pajamas.

He got her to their room and changed her clothes for her, but he didn't want to wait anymore. He had to get Cassie out of here. Tony lay on the living room floor with Ben, engaging in some epic dinosaur battle. "Tony, I'll be right back, please watch Ben for us." he said, shuffling out the door with Cassie. Tony looked back at him, confused.

Cassie looked numb. The evaluator could barely get her to talk, so she had to ask Sid what happened. He told her about the trouble with eating, the miscarriage, and the fact that Cassie hadn't really talked about it, and her Mom leaving Ben with them, and the incident today with Ben having a tantrum and Cassie still hearing the screaming, and leaning over the railing like she was going to try to jump.

"The screaming won't stop," she piped up. "It would've stopped the screaming." She really didn't seem to have a grasp on the fact that it would've stopped everything. This sent chills through Sid's body so much that he shivered. They had to take her. They had to.

They couldn't leave her with them. The evaluator recommended a few days' stay at least, and let Sid help her get checked in, then he gave them a moment alone. Well, kind of alone, he noticed. A camera was watching them from all four corners of the room. He leaned over and kissed her cheek. She just stared.

"I'm going to come see you in the morning, okay? It's my day off. I'll bring you some clothes tonight. Just relax for a while." She didn't really respond to him, except when he got up and took her hand, she looked scared, and gripped his hand, trying to pull him back down. He knelt.

"You've got to stay here for a few days. I'll be back in the morning. I'm going to bring some stuff for you tonight. It'll be okay." As they walked out to everyone, Cassie seemed to get that he was leaving and she was staying, so she pulled him into a hug. He kissed her forehead and let her hug him for a while.

Then he got an idea and took off his sweatshirt and gave it to the staff. "They're gonna give this to you, okay? It smells like me. I'll see you in the morning." He kissed her forehead and she finally let him leave. He sat in his car, with no sound but the heavy rain, with his head on the steering wheel for a while.

The wedding, he kept repeating in his mind. This will all be worth it. The wedding. The wedding. He realized he left Ben with Tony and drove home. Tony was doing their dishes when Sid walked in the house and put his keys on the coffee table.

The flowers Ben knocked over had been put in a new vase. Sid sat at the kitchen table. "Thanks for watching Ben on such short notice, sorry we just disappeared like that."

"Wow. Looks like someone could use a drink." Sid shrugged, put his head in his arms.

"Where's Cassie?"

"Hospital."

He looked up when Tony sat by him and put a bottle of beer in front of him from the fridge, then put his head back in his arms, exhausted.

"Ben's asleep. I'm not sure what happened. It seems weird that a five year old would have a tantrum like that." Sid shrugged.

"Probably just tired."

"Could've eaten something weird. He's probably just mostly pissed that he's not at home right now, and he might be coming to grips with the fact that he won't be for quite a while."

"Don't quite blame him, especially in this place."

"What happened with Cassie?"

Sid looked up, twisted the cap off his beer, and took a generous sip. "Not really sure. She was leaning off the balcony when I went to see her and she kept saying that Ben was still screaming. Something was just up. I took her because I'm afraid that she would've jumped if I wouldn't have gotten back there in time."

"Don't blame you. I hope she's okay."

"I haven't slept without her in a year. Even before we got married we slept in the same bed because we watched movies together until we fell asleep. I haven't slept alone in a year."

"Sleep with her pillow instead of yours, or put her perfume on it or something like that. Might calm you down. In any case, you both will be fine."

Sid shook his head as if getting rid of cobwebs and sat up straight. "So I hear Michelle is back in town?"

"Yeah she got back last night."

"How's that going? Eh eh?" Sid got a smile on his face as he egged him on.

"Oh, shut up, Sid." He flicked the beer bottle cap over at him.

"Oh come on. The ONE girl you've ever loved comes back into your life in some capacity other than a Christmas party and you're acting like nothing's up."

"She's engaged. Wedding's in a month."

"Michelle engaged?" That struck him as odd, too. He felt some kind of possession over her. Maybe it was just the lusting after her for the past few months. He felt like he had some stake in her, and he was somewhat hesitant to be happy for her. Tony didn't say anything. They both just sat, listening to the rain.

Sid missed this. They'd faded apart, for the most apparent reason that Tony went to Cardiff, and Sid to New York. Even with their cellphones, and with Facebook, though, they stopped talking. And now they were back communicating again. It wasn't weird anymore.

"You might as well stay until the rain fades and eat dinner," muttered Sid.

"Only if you'll let me cook it, mate. You look too exhausted to be trusted with kitchen equipment right now."

Sid shrugged. "Have at it. Are you going to go see Michelle tonight?"

Tony started rummaging through Sid's cupboards. "Oh, probably. You?"

"Well, uh, no. I have a kid. Feels really awkward to say."

"Yeah. Imagining you as a dad is kind of a feat," Tony laughed.

Sid remembered he hadn't called his Mom yet to alert her of Cassie being in the hospital, so he got up, gave Tony free reign of the kitchen, and went into their bedroom. Before he dialed his Mom's number he started getting some clothes out for Cassie- he got his t-shirts for her, she would want to be in those to at least kind of feel like she had him near. As he started packing, he dialed her.

"Sid? Good evening." A man was laughing in the background. Sid rolled his eyes.

"Hey Mom."

"Sweetie did you see the wedding dress that me and Cassie picked out and got today? It's not much, very vintage. Very Cassie, though."

"What? Wedding dress? No. Where is it?" He opened the closet door and saw it hanging in it's plastic wrapping, veil hanging beside it, white sandals under it. It was simple enough, no big fancy wedding dress.

More a summery white dress with the fabric gathered to the side of her hip. "Wow, Mom. I like it."

"Cassie didn't show you?"

"No. Well…today's been kind of hectic."

"How so? Hold on, darling." Some movement, then no more male laughing. "Now, there I am. Tell me what happened?"

"I had to take her to hospital."

"What? Why's that?"

"I don't know what happened, yet," he said, packing in sweatpants and jeans alike for her, "I just know that when I got home, Benjamin was screaming, and when I got there, she almost jumped off the balcony."

"Wow, you guys have had quite the week." Sid laughed.

"Yeah you could call it that. Tony's over here with me, and I'm gonna bring some clothes and stuff for her in a minute. Will you watch Ben for me tomorrow when I go see her?"

"Sure. Are you holding up well, Sid?"

"Yeah I'm fine, I just want this all to be over, and for the wedding to be here. I want this all to go away."

"I understand. Well, take her her clothes, and go to bed early tonight. What time are you going to see her?"

"Visiting hours are at ten."

"I'll be there at nine, okay?"

"Okay, Mom. I love you."

"Love you too, Sid."

Sid wrote some notes in the journal for her, and taped the picture of them in Cocoa into the page. He put that in the bag, as well as a couple of her books, and her bible. With Tony cooking, he went off to give the hospital Cassie's stuff. "How's she doing?" He asked the nurse.

"She's fine tonight, she's sleeping. She wasn't very responsive this evening, didn't eat."

"Can I stay for lunch tomorrow to see her?" The nurse gave him a couple of brochures.

"Sure you can. Visiting hours extend into meals. I'm not sure they gave you all the information about the center when you checked her in earlier today, but go home and read some of that, it might help give you peace of mind."

Sid took it from him. "Oh, believe me. I have peace of mind just knowing that she's here."

He thanked the nurse and midway to his car he got a text from Tony.

From – Tony

Is it okay if we have Michelle over?

From- Sid

Yeah, sure. but no more than her.

From – Tony

yeah it's just michelle.

Sid put away his phone and took the long way home. Well, first time seeing Michelle since college let out. This would be interesting. He left the brochures in the car- he didn't want Michelle finding any of them, and found himself checking his hair and face before he went inside. He opened the door, and the first thing he noticed was that she hadn't changed at all.

Still bright, cheery Michelle. "Sid!" She leapt up and tackled him in a hug. She even smelled the same. He embraced her as well. "So good to see you!" She moved into the kitchen, where Tony had dinner.

"Good to see you too, Chelle." The dinner table was a sufficiently awkward place to be. Tony cooked orange chicken, and Sid concentrated on that. He felt like maybe he should leave Tony and Michelle alone, he could feel the tension in between them. But it was his apartment, so he wasn't about to.

"So, how was camp?" tried Tony.

"Oh, it was just amazing. Simply amazing. And Effie getting saved was wonderful."

"Yeah, I only wish I could've been there for that part of it, you know, to be the one to talk to her."

After dinner, they moved the conversation into the living room, where the whole conversation was more about reminiscing.

"You know what just came to my mind?" Sid asked, just finishing up his second beer. "We've all seen each other naked." They all cracked up when it was said this time. As teenagers who thought that it was goodbye and they'd never see each other again, it wasn't funny. But now?

Hilarious. Maybe because they all needed to laugh about something. Sid needed to pretend that life was peachy right now, that he wasn't scared shitless for his wife, that he didn't wish she was here right now, or would be tonight. Tony and Michelle probably needed courage – to kiss each other, and it was obvious that it was, at least, what Tony wanted. They needed courage for something. So, beer and awkward moments from adolescence gave them that.

Tony got up and went into the kitchen to start the dishes and there they were, Sid and Michelle, on the couch. It struck Sid that the last time they were alone in a room together just might have been the last time they had sex. She'd had three beers by now, and Michelle was always a cheap drunk. She inched closer to him. He looked around the room until she heard him whisper his name. He looked over at her, her face inches from his.

All he would have to do was lean in slightly. Her knee brushed up against his, her hand was right by his. Just one move, just one move was all that it would take. He let his eyes fall down to scan her body. He knew this wasn't a good idea. But here he was, here she was, and who would know if they just had one kiss?

He moved away slightly. It wouldn't be just one kiss. There's no way they would be able to stop at just one kiss. No way at all. "No," Sid whispered firmly, then got louder as he moved away.

"No. I am not going to be this guy." He got up and went to the bathroom, turned the cold water on, and splashed himself in the face. Come on, Sid. Snap the hell out of it.

"Sid…" Michelle knocked on the door. He opened it. "Sid I-"

"No. Sorry, Michelle. Cassie has done nothing but be the perfect wife to me. I can't do this to her." He managed to get her to let him aside and he locked himself in his bedroom.

No. He flopped onto the bed. Why did tonight have to be the night that Cassie was away? He never had nightmares. Even when he did, they were pretty tame. Mostly just giant slimy tarantulas that came and picked him out of his bed and chewed him up. This was long before he realized that spiders don't really chew.

He learned that, and the nightmares stopped, because he was able to say, 'fuck you, tarantula, you can't chew me up' and they would scatter now that he'd figured out their secret. No, he hadn't had one since the tarantulas. But here it was spooky. He was driving. Fast. Windows were up. Relient K, of all things, blaring out of his speakers.

'The world just holds you at arms length/every week you get up the strength…' She was running in her nightgown, barefoot, on the side of the road. Running, as fast as she could, from him. But he just kept speeding up to catch her. 'Cassie!' He kept shouting over the music, but she just looked behind her, then kept running.

'CASSIE!' Then he was going too fast, and so was she. Then he was on his bed, Michelle spread out before him, only covered by the sheets Cassie picked out when they moved in. Blood. All over the place.

Michelle limp on the bed before him, Cassie's sheets covered in blood. Tony pushing him. 'You killed her!'

'Tony, no I didn't- I just – she just'

'No you stupid twat you killed Cassie! How fucking could you?'

'What?'

She was still running, in the pitch black of night. He could barely catch her on his headlights. Then she jumped out in front of him and he tried to swerve, but he hit her. "You killed her Sid you killed her." But he stood up, looking down at Cassie, staring up at him, limbs going every which way.

Yes. He had killed her. But he didn't feel anything.

'They told me to pretend my prison bars were really rose petals, Sid,' Cassie laughed. 'And you know what?' She whispered to him, in his arms, dancing on the beach with him. Their 10th date. 'It worked- they turned into roses. But you know what else?'

He leaned in to kiss her but she pulled away, two paces, standing in front of him, beautiful white dress with her high heels in her hand. 'They were sharp as razors, Sid. And I tried to run through them.' He tried to get closer to her while she talked, but she kept walking backwards, into the waves, then she stopped, let him come closer. 'But, they were all over. They were too sharp. And before long I just had to fall down. What kind of bride am I now, Sidney?'

She let him lean in and kiss her, but as soon as he did, something violently grabbed her, pulled her into the rip tide. He chased after her, after whatever had her, and the rip-tide gladly took him – he just ended up in the middle of the ocean. She was nowhere around, the waves were impossibly high, and it was starting to storm. She was nowhere, until the ocean started turning red.

There she was, he thought. There she was. Then there was Michelle again, on his bed, this time just ontop of Cassie's sheets. And he couldn't resist her. He tried to. But Cassie wasn't around, and Michelle's eyes were so perfect. They just…drew him down on the bed toward her.

'You killed her, Sid! You fucking killed her!' She was gone. The sheets were covered in blood, but she was gone.

Sid slept in. He slept fitfully through the night, kept waking up from his nightmare, reaching over to kiss Cassie only to find her absent. Each time, he'd begin to panic until he remembered where she was. His mom knocked, but after a couple minutes figured he'd slept in. At least they'd given her a spare key in case of emergencies. She walked in, walked into Sid's room where he lay in his jeans tangled up in his sheets, diagonal and backward.

She nudged his shoulder a little. "Sidney." He jumped

"Ben. Crap!" He jumped up with a start and then realized it was his mom. "Oh hey."

He put his shirt on. "God morning, Sidney. I'll take care of Ben while you get ready." He nodded and went to the bathroom to wash his face, brush his teeth, and check out whether he was good to go.

"Thanks for doing this, Mom." He tousled Ben's hair while he ate. He kissed his mother's cheek.

"No problem. Tell Cassie I love her."

"Sure thing." He rushed out to his car, and got to the hospital exactly at 10am. The desk attendant gave him a name tag, and he went outside to the generously beautiful yard the hospital had. That was the one advantage this hospital had over all the others. It was a safe place without being a prison. Cassie sat against a tree near the corner of the yard, nicely shaded.

Her legs were extended so her feet were warmed by the sunlight, the rest of her by the shade. She had her bible and their journal beside her, but she was just looking around. He walked up to her, sat down next to her. He kissed her cheek. "Hey babe." She smiled a slight smile.

"How's your day?" She was wearing his bat man t-shirt.

"Crappy."

He took her hand. "Mine, too. I couldn't sleep last night."

"Why'd you bring me here, Sid?"

"Because I was scared. You don't think you need to be here?"

She shrugged. "I have to go to the bathroom. You can wait here for me." She stood up, shook the grass off of her jeans, and walked in. He grabbed the journal and flipped through to the page where it stopped.

Sidney

I've only told you I've hated you once. I meant it, and I hoped you would be hurt by it. I knew you meant it as well, and it hurt me. I don't know if it hurt you.

Sid wrote beside that sentence 'It hurt me, too' and continued reading.

I don't like you right now. I love you, and everything. You taped that picture up there- that wasn't long ago at all – we were like little kids – giggling the day away. We're not like that now, and it's my fault. I understand you being scared, but I don't like to be here. I heard the baby screaming yesterday, Sid.

I killed it. I killed it by not eating anything for so long. I feel like I murdered her. I don't know what I was doing over the balcony. I just wanted the screaming to stop- and it did. I got here, I told them, and they gave me something to help me sleep.

Now the crying is gone. But I don't want to be here, Sid. They keep saying I should stay long enough to keep my weight up. I want to get that ceremony done instead- Elizabeth and I bought a dress- it won't fit if they make me up my weight before then. But they already made me eat this humongous (no, seriously) breakfast this morning, and my stomach feels distended.

I don't like it here. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept having nightmares, and you weren't beside me to rub my back and kiss me. I need to come back home – I don't see how I'll get better unless I can do that. Please, please.

I want to be with you again. It's all pretty here, but they're going to make me gain all this weight. Please, Sid? Take me home with you.

Cassie

He wrote under that letter

Cassie,

I love you – so much. And that includes not wanting you to even accidentally jump off of something because you can't get a bad memory or thought out of your mind. I know you weren't trying to kill yourself, but you would've died had you jumped, and I can't have that. I really can't. I'd fall apart. For all of this strength I fail in displaying, I wouldn't make it. So you HAVE to get better.

That includes gaining weight, if you need to. And you do. Don't worry about the dress- if you go up in size the world won't end. We'll get a new one and sell or give away the one in the closet. (It's beautiful, by the way.) Trust them here, Cassie.

The ceremony can wait. I'm not going anywhere. But this is important. I know you're scared out of your mind right now, but lean on God and let them help you disentangle yourself from this horrible, scary eating disorder. I'll be here, too. A phone call away and I'm going to visit you every chance they give me.

You can do this, baby. No matter how long it takes. We're all rooting for you. Me the most, though.

Sid.

He drew a snail under the picture, because she used to own a snail, and she called it Sidley. She kept it until they got together, and then she poured salt on it. He put glasses on the snail and a talk bubble that said 'I'MCRAZYABOUTYOU'.

He closed the journal just as she walked up and sat by him. "We have a family appointment after lunch." She leaned her head on his shoulder and put her bible on his lap, opening it up to the book of Daniel, chapter 3. Sid read it aloud to her, and they read like that, until lunchtime, when Sid picked up the two books and they walked hand in hand to lunch.

During the family appointment, the treatment team announced that they thought a month would be a good timeline to get her weight to a healthy range. They also said that if her progress was going fast enough, they would consider switching her to outpatient treatment. Cassie didn't take it well. Her psychologist allowed her 10 minutes more visiting time with Sid. So they sat in the hallway together.

"I can't believe this! Really! I can't believe you, I can't believe this – there's got to be a way to get out of this-"

Sid took her hands. "Hey. Look at me. Cassie, it's not that bad. Do well. Do what they tell you to do, and they'll let you go outpatient sooner. It won't be so bad."

"Sid, a month! A month!"

"Cassie- you need to do this – or you'll either be back here or dead next time – you NEED to do this! And you're not doing it alone. But you are doing it."

She got silent after that. He kissed her forehead, and the nurse reminded them it was time for Sid to go. "I'll be back at dinner," he said. She looked down while walking hand in hand with her to the door. "You CAN do this, Cassie," he said, standing at the doorway, and kissed her forehead again. "Call me if you need me."

She just watched him leave like a sad puppy being abandoned by her owner. This wasn't going to be easy – for either of them, he could tell. He drove to Starbucks, and Michelle was there, sitting in the corner reading. She sneezed when he walked in, and shook her perfectly curly hair, and looked up at him.

"Sid!" He waved to her, pointed at the counter, and studied the menu, even though he knew perfectly well what he wanted.

"Can I help you, Sir?"

"Yea. Um…I want a buttery croissant and…umm…an Iced caramel macchiato, venti." He paid and waited for his drink. This is going to be sufficiently awkward, he thought. After they gave him his drink, he walked over and sat across from Michelle. She was in one of the booth-like structures, and she had her knees up to her chest, reading a book.

"So," sighed Michelle.

Sid nodded. "So."

"I'm sorry, Sid. Last night, I…"

He shook his head. "That's okay, Michelle. Let's not let it happen again, though, because if I had just one more beer that night I would've had you in my bed in a matter of seconds and I can't do that. Neither can you."

Her heart fluttered when he admitted where it could've gone. She still felt ashamed, of course, for doing that. Ruining everything she'd ever had with Eric, the only boy who'd really loved her. Even Sid didn't count- they were both grieving and horny and young. He never actually loved her.

He was infatuated with her, sure. Not in love. She was in love with Eric. Not Tony. Not Sid. Neither of them really really loved her or were willing to give up everything to be with her like Eric was.

"Yeah. And I don't want to ruin anything with Eric. So it's not going to happen, for sure. But, Sid?" He looked up at her while tearing up his croissant. "Let's not let anyone know about this?"

"Sure thing. As long as it doesn't happen again."

They shook hands, but oh – her hands were soft. Silky soft. How did she get them so…soft? He pulled his hand away without seeming weird, and got up, said goodbye to her, to head home. Stop it, Sid, he told himself while starting the car, driving home.

Stop it stop it stop it. Don't fuck this up. Cassie is your WIFE. Michelle is your ex. From when you were seven-fucking-teen. A kid.

She's a different person now. Why are you even thinking about this? Look at your hand. See that ring, WEDDING RING? It means you made some pretty serious promises to Cassie. And you love her.

Michelle arouses you. But you don't love her. So have as many cold showers as you need, but get your shit together. NO cheating on your wife. You are NOT one of those guys.

When he got home, Ben was down for his afternoon nap, and Elizabeth was dusting. The carpet was apparently vacuumed, and it smelt amazing.

"Oh, dear- how's Cassie?" She continued cleaning while he plopped himself down on the couch, then yelped when the toy dinosaur hiding in between the cushions nipped him in the ass. He picked it up and put it on the coffee table. "She's staying there for a month to get her weight up- not happy about it." Elizabeth sat down beside him. "Well, then. We'll have to be praying for her." Sid didn't respond, though he did agree. He just took his glasses off and yawned.

"Oh," Elizabeth got up and brought a parcel over to him. "This fell out of the kitchen cupboard while I was feeding Ben his snack." He furrowed his brow as he took it from her. It said, in Cassie's writing, SECRET- DO NOT OPEN written repeatedly all over it.

"How have I noticed this?" After all, he was the one in the kitchen most of the time. He shrugged. "I'll open it later." His mom leaned over and kissed his forehead. "I'm going out to lunch with James. Call if you need anything."

"James, huh?" He knew who James was. He was a good friend of his dad's. He'd been in Sid's landscape for his whole life, sitting around at dinner tables drinking straight whiskey, going on vacations with his parents. Now here he was dating his Mom, which only concerned him, because Sid always suspected something going on even when his dad was in the picture.

"Yeah – nothing serious, just lunch." She picked up her purse.

"It's okay, Mom. You can date."

"I know that. This just isn't serious." He raised his eyebrows doubtfully, laying back on the couch. "Anyway, I'm going to be late. Love you!"

"Love you too!"

When his mom left, he walked to the fridge and got a leftover sandwich and a soda out and sat back down with the mystery package. He tore the packaging up. Letters. He unfolded one of them and nearly choked on his food.

Cassie,

Thank you for giving me another chance. It has been a joy to hear from you. The words you write warm my heart. I'm doing alright, just making do. Want to have dinner soon?

Love always,

Dad.

Sid kept shuffling through the letters and they were full of hope Cassie had, and her dad leading her on, that they were going to get back together and have a functional father-daughter relationship. Why hadn't she told him, though? And why plant them in the cupboard for him to find? Why was she even writing them? He picked them up and put them in their bedroom closet above her wedding dress.

They'd survive, he told himself. Cassie would, he would. He wouldn't cheat with Michelle. He would stop talking to her if that's what it took. They'd have this wedding, no matter how long it took. But hopefully it wouldn't take long, otherwise he'd brea.


	13. turn around, bright eyes

I am a whore, I do confess. I put you on just like a wedding dress and run down the aisle. – Derek Webb, Wedding Dress.

Effie borrowed Tony's car while he spent the night at Sid's house and drove out to the burial ground. She just wanted to sit with them for a while, maybe, hopefully, feel them there, feel like they saw her one last time. She didn't expect to see JJ there, though. He sat, pulling out the grass in front of him, just talking away. So, she stood behind him for a while.

But JJ had the most keen senses out of anyone she knew. "Hey, Effie," he said, not turning around. She sat down beside him. "It's peaceful out here." Effie smiled.

"Yeah, it is, isn't it?"

"You wouldn't expect it because, like, their dead bodies are six feet under right over there, but it's so…serene."

"You been talking to them?"

"Yeah, I know it's dorky."

"It's not dorky."

Effie sighed and lay down on the grass. This did suck. Freddie and Cook should be sitting there with them, Freddie with his hand slipped in Effie's, and Cook chasing JJ around with a bug or something. That's the way they were supposed to grow up, and they were supposed to spend their whole lives like that. Now it seems it'd been reduced to the two of them. JJ lay down in the grass, too, and the silence was blissful. No one needed to ruin it.

Just a light breeze, a cloudy afternoon, and the two of them taking up space for the two who weren't anymore. Then, Effie felt something. She wasn't scared, or anything, but a hand moving gently up her back, and then sliding itself into her hand. Nice and warm. Such sweet breath breathing on her.

"Freds," she whispered with a smile, and JJ looked over at her.

"What about him?"

The hand went away, but it was fine. She still felt warm. "Nothing, nothing at all." They spent the afternoon like that, just enjoying the grass, and mostly not talking. They hadn't really ever talked. They were cordial and friends, of course, but never close friends.

Effie could already feel that changing. They walked back to Effie's car together, just reminiscing about the sillier moments, and what they liked most.

"I was just normal around them, you know?" JJ contributed. "Like, they know my brain's all wonky, but still. I felt like it wasn't when I was around them, and now they're both gone. So I guess I'm back to being the weird one."

Effie took JJ's hand in hers, and they started walking in step. "No, you aren't."

"You know what we did together every Friday, which we should do, since it's Friday?"

"What's that?"

"Falafels and beer."

Effie laughed. "That sounds perfect, JJ."

They got in the car but didn't stop holding hands while she was driving. It hadn't started being weird yet. They just needed that right now. They got four orders of falafels, and four pints of beer. The server looked at them odd when they set two of them up on the other side of the table. "Cheers," JJ said and tapped his beer glass with both Freds and Cook's, then Effie held up hers and they clanked.

She took his hand again, and they ate silently. Effie hated falafels, but that didn't matter now. Freds used to tease her by taking some home and stuffing them in his mouth, trying to get her to kiss him with them all in his mouth. She giggled a little while eating hers. The taste didn't matter. Then she took some from Fred's plate and stuck her tongue out.

"Take that, Freds. Who's laughing now?"

Tony stayed over at Sid's that night. It felt good to have a strictly boy's night with movies, video games, food, and plenty of beer.

"Yes! For only men," Said Sid, fairly plowed by the time the night was winding down. "Girls just…complicate things," he declared as he put the beer bottle down, then laid back on the couch.

Tony turned off the video game. "Says the married man."

"I mean, not just my wife. But suddenly every other woman I've ever been involved with decides to show up in my life and it's like – ok, perfect timing, awesome."

"And by every other woman you mean…"

"Michelle."

"Yeah, the other night was…interesting."

"So you saw it, then? When she tried to kiss me?"

"What? No. I just meant that it was awkward. She tried to kiss you?"

"Yeah, one minute we're sitting there all happy and stuff and the next she's about an inch away from me and I could've made out with her without even knowing."

"Glad you didn't."

Sid shook his head. "Yeah. Weeks away from my wife and I renewing our vows, and I break my fidelity. And it sucks, because I don't even know when I'm going to be able to get Cassie alone again, you know?"

"You will, Sid. Just wait, and it'll be worth it."

"Really fucking easy for you to say, single celibate man."

"Because celibacy is so easy. And it wasn't exactly easy for me to be there with her that night, either," Tony said, taking the chair across from the couch and reclining it, deciding this is where he would sleep.

"Take her back, already, Tony. We all know it's you two, and it always will be you two. This Eric thing is a load of shit, and I think she knows it. I know you know it, and I definitely know it."

"He loves her, Sid." Tony lay on the recliner with his eyes closed, drifting.

"Yeah, well. Not as much as you do."

"How do you figure that?"

Sid shrugs. "I just know."

With that, they were both asleep.

After taking Ben over to his mom's, Sid took the pack of letters to Cassie during visiting hours. She smiled when she saw him and ran up to him, giving him a kiss. He half-smiled back, then beckoned over to the tree. Saying 'I need to talk' was no use with her. She'd just panic and spend months in agony, and you'd definitely never get the talk out of her. You just had to hit her blindside with it if you wanted to get anything productive done. It was never pleasant, but at least it got done.

"What's wrong, Sid?" She sat beside him on a bench in the courtyard. They were mostly alone, except for staff. He dropped the package of letters opened on her lap. She looked up, puzzled.

"Oh come on, Cass. Don't lie to me and say you've never seen these."

"No – that's not what I was- you weren't supposed to find these. Where'd you find them?"

"You hid them in the cupboard, Cassie. My mom found them." Cassie shook her head and turned forward instead of facing him, and started rocking back and forth slightly.

"No. I didn't put them there. I got rid of them."

"How?"

She didn't want to tell him, he could tell. She was getting anxious.

"I…" she felt stupid, because it was stupid. She should've just told him straight up. She looked over at him. He wasn't amused. "I gave them to Tony one night so you wouldn't find them, okay? I called him while you were at work. He's my dad, Sid. It was my business."

Sid was still confused as to why they ended up in the kitchen. "Okay, couple things wrong with that. Tony? Why did you go to Tony when you have me here? More than that, I just don't get why you had to keep something from me, and especially to share it with Tony. And why didn't I hear about it from him? We're best friends."

"I told him to keep it a secret," she said quietly, looking down at her feet.

"Did something else happen, Cassie?" Something told him it did, but she shook her head. He told himself to stop thinking the worst about his wife, especially when he almost cheated on her twice within the last week. "Well, I mean…is there a reason you couldn't trust me with this?"

Cassie looked over at him. It really wasn't anything Sid did wrong, but they were fighting at the time, and one night when Sid went to work she asked Tony to come over. She gave him the letters, told him what they were about. She didn't tell Sid because, naturally, it'd scare him. But Tony didn't grow up that different than Cassie. Well, at least, Effie didn't.

But Tony got hurt, too. While she never appreciated Tony being a jerk to Sid when they were young, she understood completely where he was coming from in being mean to his dad. So she didn't call Sid home from work. Instead, as soon as he left, she called Tony. And they talked, innocently enough.

She felt a piece of the puzzle connect again being able to talk to someone about this. Of course, it ended badly. Him leaning over and kissing her. They weren't thinking. If people are ever thinking when they cheat on their spouses. She'd just pulled him ontop of him, and well…stuff happened.

He was different than Sid. He looked at her during sex. He didn't just look at her- it was like he was seeing through everything as he looked down at her. It didn't feel obligatory, it didn't feel dead. It felt real. They'd only done it that once, though.

A couple of weeks later is when she'd found out that she was pregnant. And Tony knew it, by the way he looked at her when she walked in the room with that white stick in her hand. Sid was oblivious, so she nodded at him. She'd been kicking herself for the past few days. Even though it was such a wonderful night with Tony there, she hated herself for the secret she had to keep from Sid, and how he kept beating himself up just trying not to cheat on her when he'd be justified.

"I thought you wouldn't…get why I wanted to see my Dad again. Tony's dad was a lot like mine, so…I mean…he understood it. And we were fighting. He was kind of like Switzerland."

She was right, Sid would've tried to talk her out of it. But ultimately, it was up to her. So if she was strong-willed enough, and Cassie was, he would've just said 'okay' and been there for her during the inevitable crash. Cassie spent the whole visit fighting against admitting to Sid what happened. They'd be ruined if she did that. He would leave her. She'd be alone.

So, they just held hands for the rest of the time, and then Sid walked out after giving her a quick kiss. He realized, after getting to his car, that she looked better that day. She was gaining some weight, and she looked beautiful. Next stop was Tony's. First his phone rang, and without looking, he picked it up. "Yello?"

"Sid?" It was Michelle. She was crying.

"Michelle what is it?"

"I just…I need to talk to someone and no one's picking up. I promise nothing will happen. Will you please meet me, though?"

"Where's Eric?" When he said that he could hear her crying. "Oh. Where do you want me to meet you?"

She picked a sushi restaurant not far from where he lived that was nice and quiet, with the opportunity for private conversation easy. Big, black booths with low lighting and quiet classical music. He got there first, and she walked in a minute later. God, the girl was wrecked. She had cleaned up to meet him, but he could still tell she'd been crying for quite a while. He walked over and gave her a big hug.

"I'm sorry, Chelle." He kissed her forehead. They got a booth quickly enough and sat down.

"What happened?" He asked after they ordered. He'd never been here before but it felt like where vampires would take people to dine before eating them.

"I broke up with him."

"Makes sense."

"What?" She hadn't come here to hear that. She wanted someone to tell her that it was surprising – that she and Eric were made for each other, that they should never break up. Ever. She wanted to hear that, so that she'd go back to him, tell him she was sorry, that this was all a big mistake.

And they'd spend the rest of their lives happy. And she'd forget about both Sid and Tony. All of this would be over.

"Come on, Chelle. I'm not dumb. You are in love with Tony. That's how it is. That's how it's always been, and it always will be." She didn't say anything until they got their food. "Just…go over to his house tonight and tell him that. He loves you, Michelle. I'm his best friend- I know that he loves you. "

"But you-"

"We were young. Okay? We were young and we were stupid. The sex was great but it's not going to happen again."

Michelle gave him her eyes. He doubted she knew she was giving them, and the effect it had on him. But this time she was stronger. He was with Cassie -that was final. Wouldn't ever change. After going out to lunch with Michelle he picked up Ben from his mom's and headed straight over to Tony's. He had to figure this out.

Cassie trudged inside to her room after free time and called Tony right away.

"Hello."

"Why'd you plant the letters in the kitchen cupboard, Tony?"

"He found them?"

"Of fucking course he found them. What were you thinking?"

"I can't keep the secrets anymore, Cassie."

She panicked. "You'd better not tell him…"

"You aren't going to? Do you know how honest he's been with himself and you about Michelle?"

"Yes, and that took two people, Tony. Two. You do realize if you tell him your friendship is wrecked, too? Not just our marriage."

Silence on the other line. "Someone's at the door, Cassie. I have to go. But I'll call you back."

He hung up and was surprised to find Tony and Ben at the door. "Can we talk?"

"Uh, yeah. Sure." He let both of them inside. He walked Benjamin over to Effie's room where her and JJ were hanging out to let them babysit him and then got a couple of beers from the fridge, offering one to Sid, which he took.

"So, this package that my mom found in my kitchen cupboard, full of letters. Know anything about it?"

Tony wasn't looking forward to this. There was no way possible that it would end well. Here goes nothing, he thought, and sat down at the kitchen table, signalling for Sid to do so. "I'd rather stand, thanks," Sid responded, arms crossed, holding the neck of his beer in between his fingers.

"She called me over one night when you guys were fighting. To talk about what was going on with your dad."

"Why didn't you clue me into this, Tony? You didn't have to share the gory details," Tony tried not to cringe, "but you could've at least said 'hey, you know, you might want to talk to your wife about what's going on in her life.' We were fighting a lot and I would've appreciated the clue. Since you're my best mate and everything."

"Sid…" Tony put his beer down and rubbed his face. This was definitely going to end badly.

"No. Don't 'Sid' me. Stop being so fucking patronizing! Why the hell did you keep this from me, Tony?"

"It was complicated."

"Complicated how?" Sid yelled.

Effie turned up the music on her stereo when Sid started shouting. JJ was playing dinosaurs and legos with him. Nothing was more charming than the way JJ handled children. Some people had said he loved kids so much because of his Asperger's, but Effie was beginning to think that it was just him, the way he was. He wasn't shy to show affection and be silly like so many other guys she knew. JJ looked up at her, staring at him.

He smiled at her. Effie felt a bit guilty sometimes. That there should be a singlehood period after losing someone. But this was innocent enough, and there was just something about JJ. Maybe the way he was closer to God than anyone else he knew. That might've been it.

But whatever else was going on, there was something awesome about JJ.

"Complicated how?" Sid yelled again after Tony just looked at the ground. Sid put his beer on the kitchen table. "You better fucking tell me what went on, Tony, because I already know it was more than talking about your childhoods."

"Sid-"

"Say it."

"But-"

"I don't care. I want to hear you say it."

Tony looked beyond Sid at the hallway. He couldn't look in his eyes. "I slept with her," he said quietly.

"I couldn't hear you. Tell me louder," Sid commanded. Silence. Sid stepped closer. "I said, fucking tell me louder."

Tony looked up at him, stood up, levelling. "I said I slept with her, alright? I slept with her!"

Sid grabbed the collar of Tony's t-shirt and began trying to push him. Tony was just as strong, though, if not stronger, so he resisted, but only until Sid kicked him in the groin and pinned him on the ground.

"Yeah, Tony. That's what you get. You haven't changed at all, have you? All this nonsense you tell me about following God. It's all a load of rubbish." He started punching him while he talked. Tony kept yelling and managed to knee him in the stomach hard enough to knock him over.

"I made a mistake, Sid. I'm sorry."

"No," came Sid sobbing from the ground. When Tony tried to touch him he jerked himself away. "Sleeping with my wife is a hell of a lot more than just a mistake." He got up. "And yes. I'm crying because of you this time." He shook his head at Tony, ignoring the obvious damage he did.

Tony's mouth and nose were both bleeding and he'd put cuts in several spots on his face. He just went to pick up Ben from Effie's room.

"Come on, Ben. Thanks, guys." Ben was hesitant to leave, but Effie gave him one of her dinosaur figurines so he happily walked over to Sid.

"Sid," said Effie, getting up. "Is everything okay out there?"

"I've got to go," Sid said, scooping up Ben and walking straight out of the apartment. "What do you say we go put you down for a nap, eh?" said Sid.

He put him down for a nap just so he could stay sane. He spent the afternoon sitting in front of their walk-in closet, looking directly at Cassie's wedding dress. After hours of staring at it, he got it out. He waited until evening visiting time to do anything else and then he gathered up the dress and put it in the trunk of his car. He took Ben to his mother's, pretending everything was peachy. Elizabeth welcomed him inside.

"What've you two got planned tonight?"

"Well," Elizabeth said excitedly, equally to Ben and Sid, making Ben giggle, "we've got macaroni and cheese, a dvd, and play-doh planned!" Sid half-smiled.

"Good deal. I won't be long, so I'll come back and join you guys." He swung his lanyard as he started walking to the front door.

Elizabeth sat Ben down at the table with crayons and paper.

"Everything okay, Sid?" He turned around and faked his best smile. Not unrealistic, but the goal was to get the sad out of his eyes.

"Yeah, everything's great. Just going to go to the hospital, is all." Elizabeth knew something was up but she didn't want to push him so she walked up and hugged him, gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Alright, love. See you soon."

Sid hated being emotional sometimes, not like the guys, say, Tony, who could ride it out and be cool, who didn't have crying jags. He wished his mom hadn't hugged him because then he wouldn't have started crying as soon as he left her parking lot. He managed to get it together in time to get to the campground, to pay for a night's stay, which he wasn't going to use anyway, and get to the fire pit. He lost all control at that point. While the sky darkened he threw the white dress into the fire pit. Ruined now. Dirt all over it.

Ruined. No one could wear it. Then he topped it with branches and sticks, and lit it on fire. He watched fire rise, and he stopped crying. He lay back in the dirt and watched the fabric cackle and shrink. He remembered watching TV with Chris days before he died. "You know what?" He'd said.

"Hmph?" Sid replied.

"It seems weird, and maybe a little sad, but in the end, we're just alone with God."

"You're not alone, Chris."

"What do you mean? You're not going with me."

"Yeah, well. You come and go. So does everyone else. We all kind of have to. And I come and go."

Sid turned his head toward Chris. "But you're not dying."

"Come on, Man. Get real."

Sid didn't say anything back. He was scared to guarantee something like that. Everyone knew the time that Chris had was shoddy. But laying there by the fire, it wouldn't have hurt him to have Chris there.

He watched it until it was gone. He may have been sitting too close to the fire. He may have been burning, but at least he wasn't cold. He looked at his watch after a while, and figured he better get back to pick up Ben. He put out the fire, left the dress there. But it was dark, and he had no flashlight and didn't see the rock that he tripped over, onto his arm. Immediately he heard the crack in his ankle and he yelled out but no one was there.

The fire was out now, too, and it was pitch black. He just waited until he could come to his senses, and he could barely do that, but he managed to limp to his car. He wondered how he would explain this. When he arrived at his mom's house he was late – Ben was sleeping. He was barely managing to limp through the front door.

"Sid! What on earth happened? What did you do?"

He tried to wave her off but almost fell over on the bad ankle and she managed to get him on the couch. She pulled his leg up on the ottoman. "I thought you were going to visit Cassie." Sid closed his eyes, realizing he had no choice to explain all of this.

"How did you hurt your leg, Sid?"

"Tripped over a rock, and it's fine."

"It's swollen to hell, and" she pushed him down when he tried to get up "you're not going anywhere. Now where were you?"

He tiredly told her what happened and about burning the dress. "Oh, well then." She went to the refrigerator and got a pack of ice and packed it around his ankle. She kissed his forehead. "Have you called her?" Sid shook his head. "You need to call her Sid."

"Not yet. Not now." She rubbed his arm.

"I'm going to call James to watch Ben and then we're going to the hospital."

Sid was wishing that he didn't have Ben now. He should've told Cassie no. When James arrived, Sid tried to be cordial, but it really wasn't long until his Mom got him into her car. "So you talked to Tony about it?"

"Yeah, I mean, well, the talking didn't last long if you follow."

"She's your wife, Sid. You two need to fix this."

"Not now, Mom."

"Just saying."

"Fix what?" Sid was crying again. "What the hell is there to fix anymore? She cheated on me with Tony."

"You said For Worse, and up until now you've held up that vow."

Sid shook his head. He agreed with her, but he didn't even want to look at Cassie, or see her in any capacity. "Sid, you can't punk out of this. You love her- I know you do. I also know you can take her back."

Tony locked himself in the bathroom for a good while, just telling Effie to go away, he was fine. He took a shower- he always did that. When he was a kid, and he got hit, he would turn the water up hot enough to burn him and let all the blood rinse off his face. His mom used to have to pull him out of there, or he'd take all of the hot water or burn himself. Now he just wanted to get the blood off, and after he got dressed he went back out into the living room, where Effie was waiting for him.

"Where's JJ?" He asked.

"He went home. What happened? Are you okay?" He shrugged, sat down on the couch.

"I fucked it with Sid and Cassie. Otherwise, I'm fine, yeah."

She handed him an ice pack from their freezer. "How'd you do that?"

"Slept with Cassie, got her pregnant."

Effie was stumped. Yeah, that was a big one, even for Tony. She sat on the couch by him. "Well."

Then someone knocked on the door. "Tell them to go away." Effie tousled Tony's hair, got up and answered the door to find Michelle. "Michelle, now's not a great ti-"

"I need to see Tony. Please let me in?" Tony got up and turned around, and Effie let her in.

"Crap – Tony- what happened to you? Who did this?" She rushed up to him. Effie left them alone. Michelle examined the wounds and bruises on his face.

"Sid," he said, relatively void of emotion.

"What? That's not like Sid."

"Yes it is. He punched me when I cheated on you. He just sucked at it." They both gave a nervous chuckle and sat down on the couch.

"Um…I needed to say something. But now it's really awkward."

"What is it?"

She didn't know how to tell him what she wanted, so maybe words weren't the best vehicle. She was almost too nervous, but she lifted his chin up with her finger, leaned over and kissed him slow. Tony just sat for a second, and then he kissed back, pulling her closer to him. They kissed like that for a while before pulling away. Tony smiled at her, but then his lip hurt. She laughed at him as she put the ice back on his lip.

He removed it to talk. "So, you broke up with Eric, I take it?"

"Yes." She lay across his lap onto to the couch cushion.

"Are you sure about this?"

She nodded.

"I mean, you're sure you don't really want Sid? You know how I fucked up the last time we gave this a go."

"It was always you. We've both changed." He grabbed her hand and kissed it.

"Think we can do this?"

She smiled up at him. "Yes I do."

Sid didn't call Cassie for a couple of weeks while his leg healed. He just stayed at home and went to work – took care of Ben. That was all he wanted and needed. Until one day she called him, about a week away from their one year anniversary. "Hey, Sid?" Came her voice.

"Oh – hey, Cassie," he muttered, and sat down on the couch.

"I'm uh…I'm coming home from treatment. Do you want me to make arrangements to stay somewhere else?"

"No, you can come home."

"Okay. Well, I'll be there this afternoon then."

"Okay."

He just lay back, not really knowing exactly what to say to her.

The awkwardness of the room was thick. She took her suitcase to the room, then came back and asked, "Where'd my…where'd my dress go?"

He was watching television to avoid her. "Burned it."

She wanted to be angry at him for that, but she knew she deserved it.

"I'm, uh…I'm supposed to go out with Michelle tonight."

"With Michelle?" He looked up at her for the first time since she got home from treatment. She looked wonderful – she'd put on weight, and she looked healthy. But she didn't look happy. "I'll leave the light on."

He didn't move as she got ready, gave Ben a kiss, but she stopped as she was going through the door. "Sid…"

"Hmm?"

"Are we still doing the ceremony?"

"Yes."

She stared at him for a minute and then walked out the door. In reality there wasn't much she could do to get him to back out of it. He didn't know how to act around her, sure, but he wanted to move past this.

Cassie met Michelle at the pub – they hadn't met there in years, but despite everything that was going on around them, they still felt secure. "So glad you're back in town," said Cassie. "It's so boring here without you. I mean, Jalanda left a year ago, so it's kind of…kind of like nothing's here. Me and Sid, and, well, you know. Who knows if he still loves me?" She immediately felt awkward for bringing it up. She'd had disclosure by this point – so it was remarkable Michelle even came to visit her or invited her out for drinks tonight.

"You look good, Cassie. Do you feel good?"

Cassie smiled. "Yeah. At first, it was real uncomfortable, you know? Like, I weigh the most now that I've ever weighed. And it just felt…weird." She laughed. Both her and Michelle knew there was more to the situation than just feeling 'weird'. "But I've been working at it, and I've started to become less entrenched. I still go to day treatment, though. I suppose it's better than overnight treatment."

They enjoyed a the night at the pub together, and then walking around together, arm in arm.

"This is how it should always be," Cassie observed.

"Yes, yes it should."

"You and me."

Michelle firmly squeezed her hand.

Cassie decided not go straight home that night, but instead stopped at the diner where she and Sid had their first kiss. She ordered everything – fries, bacon cheeseburger, blueberry pie with ice cream, milkshake. And she sat there with it all for a while. Smelling it, touching it, before she dug in. As big of a bite as it would let her take.

She made sure to be in the darkest corner of the cafe and luckily it was midnight so no one was there. She didn't care that it got on her clothes and in her hair and on her face- life was perfect at that moment, digging into it, tasting everything salty and sweet life had to offer. But then came the walk home. And she mostly did fine on the walk home. It was only once she got in the apartment that she lost it. Sid was sleeping, so she didn't want to wake him. The nausea overtook her though, so she didn't have time to turn on the faucet before throwing up.

In treatment, one of the things they dealt with was how she tended to feel before and after throwing up, and working on not supressing those feelings. So she lay there after cleaning up, on the tile floor, hand over her mouth, sobbing.

Sid heard her, but by the time he'd gotten up she was already sitting in the shower. He awkwardly sat down on the tile, boot not making it easy to do so. He pulled back the shower curtain and reached for her hand. She looked confused, hesitant. He pulled her hand out and kissed it. "I love you, I love you, I love you," he whispered. She turned off the shower water.

"Sid, I don't know what to say. You don't deserve this, or me." He pulled himself closer. "You really don't. I can't believe I…" He leaned in to kiss her.

"I know we can get through this, Cassie, okay?"

She leaned her head against his. "I don't know."

"I still meant it when I said 'for worse,'" he reminded her.

"But you didn't sign up for this…"

"Well, technically I did."

She shook her head. "I prayed for God to forgive me and I'm sorry, Sid, I am."

"I forgive you, too."

She grabbed a towel off of the rack and pulled him up once she got out – they walked to bed together.

He rubbed her back once in bed. "You can forgive yourself now, Cassie. It's gone."

They almost overslept for church the next morning. Elizabeth rushed over and enveloped Cassie in a hug, which was definitely not what she expected. But she was warm and she kissed her forehead. Sid smiled. It had been a hard, but good morning. Margarit came and got Ben that morning, and they needed it – they needed to start new, and not have a kid to complicate things.

"Welcome back, darling." As worship started, Cassie looked up at her.

"Aren't you kind of mad at me for cheating on your son?"

Elizabeth stroked some hair out of Cassie's face. "I think I'm gonna let God deal with that, Cassie. And I'm just glad to have you back here with Sid. Oh," she wrapped her arm around Cassie, "Sid and I picked the perfect site for the ceremony. I'll take you there after church, okay?" Cassie sat down with Sid, took his hand in hers. She felt like she was with family again, and she hadn't had that feeling in far too long.

Tony, of all people, was leading worship, and he and Sid locked eyes on each other during worship. After a couple songs, Tony realized that communion was coming up, so he signaled for the other guitarist to take over singing and put his guitar on it's stand. He walked over to Sid, who just ignored him. "Just give me a minute?" Sid wanted to say no with everything he had. Cassie nudged him and whispered in his ear – "Go on, Sid. You forgave me."

He wanted to whisper that it was barely comparable, but he realized they were starting a scene so he got up and followed Tony to the back of the church, into to the foyer. "I don't know what to say," Tony said, while Sid shifted his eyes to the ground. "It would be perfectly fine for you to never forgive me or talk to me again, Sid. I'd understand that."

"But, I should anyway, right?" Sid snapped back.

Tony shook his head.

"Tony, you're not seventeen anymore. You're not a kid. It wasn't okay when you were that age, but you're not. You're just not a kid anymore, and there's no excuse for it. It doesn't just go away, just like that."

"I know, Sid. I'm sorry. You don't have to forgive me but I'm begging for a chance, okay?"

They just stood there looking at each other for a while. And while Sid didn't want to let Tony off the hook, he couldn't justify refusing communion. So he gave him a hug.

"Wedding's on Friday, be at my apartment at 6pm." He pulled away. Tony had a grateful smile on his face. They both walked back in, and Cassie slid over a bit so that Tony could sit next to Sid. Then they took communion.

Elizabeth took Cassie out to lunch, and she was pleasantly surprised that there were no lectures, no comments on what a horrible wife she had been thus far. Maybe she hadn't been paying attention to God's grace lately, or maybe it was hard to unless it hit you in the face like this.

"Thank you, Elizabeth," she said, "I've never known…family like this. Like you and Sid. It's unnerving."

Elizabeth reached across the table and took her hand. "Wonderful, isn't it?"

After lunch, which Cassie succeeded in enjoying without throwing up or having a panic attack, Elizabeth took her on a drive out by the lake. "This is my friend James' house." They went in the backyard, and the view was breathtaking. The lake, which she could only imagine at twilight, and not to mention everything was so green, and so spacious. Beautiful lanterns already hung up all over the place, and there was the most beautiful, huge, white gazebo.

"Oh….Oh Elizabeth…" She stood in the gazebo. Perfect for her, Sid, and space enough for everyone who was coming. God, this was going to be the most beautiful wedding. "Sid burned the dress, plus, I would've grown out of it."

"I know, darling. That's why we're going shopping after."

"Why are you spoiling me like this?"

"You're my daughter, as far as I can tell," Elizabeth said as Cassie sat down on the gazebo.

Cassie agreed. She loved her mom, but this family felt like home now. Her mom was lovely, and raised her, and everything, but God had seemingly shifted her.

They ended up finding the perfect dress, and she was exhausted by the time she came home to Sid. "Close your eyes!" She said as she halfway-entered the door. He closed them and covered them with his hand. She walked in. "Now, no peeking, and no opening them until I say so."

"Okay, can I look now?" She laughed.

"Almost!" She put the dress in the walk-in closet, then went over to Sid, sat on his lap, and removed his hands from his eyes. He squeezed them shut, and she kissed each of them. "Now. Just don't go looking in our closet."

"Done deal," he looked up at her and smiled.

The first date was all engineered by JJ, and, if he did this all right, it would go well and Effie would fall for him. He came to her doorstep, T shirt on and a suit jacket over it, jeans and his converses. She smiled at him, as usual a vision. He handed her a tulip. She smiled. "So, where are we going?"

"Oh, it's a surprise."

One of Freds and Cook's favorite pastimes was paintball, and they never took girls with them, but they went about once a week. JJ and Effie had been talking a lot about the boys – not sadly. It just seemed, to both of them, that they were missing a whole world of the boys while they were alive. Only that the other one had access to. So, JJ decided, they would start exploring this world, these places. Starting with paintball. "Ah. So that's why you made me wear jeans," Effie said when they got there.

"It was an important tradition to us. Every Friday after college, we came here. Mostly, they liked to attack me. Because they were good and I wasn't. But sometimes I got them, too. It was important for me to show you this side of them, Effie.

"Because even though I'm just getting to know you, i-it feels like I'm getting to know Freds and Cook too. You might feel the same way." She smiled, kissed his cheek, and then gave him an evil eye. They suited up. It wasn't so much paintball, but paint balloons. Either way, Effie thought the idea was delightful.

"Better run, boy," she giggled. And they were off.

The week went by quickly for both Sid and Cassie. She had trouble concentrating during treatment, him during work. But it came. Friday came, and Michelle and Elizabeth came early in the morning to whisk Cassie off to a day of being primped and plucked and painted. She took his hand before she left. "I love you." He smiled and kissed her.

"I love you. I'll see you tonight."

He mostly hung around the apartment, enjoying the peace of mind, until Tony arrived at 6 to get him ready. He shifted back into being the Tony he was when they were sixteen – showing little Sid the ways of the world.

"No, don't do your hair like that. It looks dorky. Just a little bit of cologne. No, no, let me get your tie."

As he let Tony fuss over him, it occurred to him that his dad was missing this moment. Well, hope you're watching this, Dad, he thought. Something told him that he was. Something warm inside of him.

"Sid, are you listening?"

"Hmm?" He looked up at Tony.

"I said, this is how you do the cufflinks."

Sid couldn't help but laugh. They drove the short drive to James' house. Sid had the ring in his pocket that he'd picked out. Tony had pointed out, when he showed him in the car, that he was really spoiling the girl with jewelry.

"Yeah well," Sid said, "she deserves it."

It was still awkward, this girl, this situation, so when they parked, Tony stopped Sid from going out.

"I'm honored, Sid, that you want me to be a part of this."

"You're my best friend, stupid. You do stupid things. Doesn't mean you're not my best friend." As they walked into the crowd, Sid was satisfied at how it looked.

Lanterns glowed all around, fish jumped in the lake, and the sound of the water lapping up against the sand was their companion. It couldn't have been more perfect. Elizabeth walked up to him, kissed him on the forehead, then wiped off her lipstick.

"This is perfect, Sidney, and I'm so proud of you." He smiled at his mom, and kept on walking up to the gazebo where Max stood.

Michelle sat with Cassie in the living room. The bride was stunning, even in such a simple summer dress. Of course, Cassie never failed to be stunning, but with the summer flowers braided in her hair, and the simple make-up, as well as her and Sid's first engagement ring on a necklace, she looked breathtaking. "Are you nervous, Cass?"

Cassie gave an obviously full-of-butterflies sigh. "Kind of, yeah. This is all just so exciting."

Tony stood by Sid as everyone gathered in the gazebo. Max smiled and waved at Sid. Tony decided that it would probably be good to lighten the mood by making a joke. "A little late for it, aren't you, Max? Dude's getting married." Everyone did, indeed, laugh, including Max.

"Oh, well, you know Sid, I just had to make my feelings known." Sid shook his head and laughed, but all of that stopped when he saw Cassie approaching. A vision. The flowers in her hair, the white dress, Michelle at her side, smiling at Tony.

Once Cassie was standing opposite Sid, holding his hands, Mark started his speech.

"I've known Sid since, well…let's just say long before he met Cassie. I also knew him when he wanted to talk to someone about knowing Jesus. But this time it wasn't just him. It was Cassie too. I knew it then, when I prayed with them over their newfound faith and relationships with God and each other, that these two were called by God to be together until the heavenly kingdom, where the only titles are brother and sister…"

Sid and Cassie just looked at each other, giggling occasionally. It all seemed like wasted time until they could say their vows- which they hadn't discussed or rehearsed. Max let Sid go first.

"Cassie," he began. "I love you. I always have loved you, and I always will. I promise to live this out, and to never stop saying it to you. I promise to listen, to always be there when you need someone to hug you or talk to you. I promise to pray with you regularly, pray for you constantly. I promise to try to be the husband you deserve. Tough act to follow," he said, while everyone laughed, "but I'll try." He then put the ring on her finger.

"Sid," she said after composing herself. All the girls seemed to be giggling along with her, as if they all know what this felt like. "I promise to be patient with you. I promise to let you stay up late at night, to let you eat what you want. I am so grateful," her voice cracked and she started crying, "to have a husband such as you, who defends me, loves me even when I'm not worthy of that love, and supports me when I can't stand.

"I promise to love you, even on those dark days and nights where we both question everything but our faith in God. I promise to laugh with you, and cry with you, and I promise never to stray from the promises I've given you. I promise to always love you in the same manner that you love me."

As she finished, she heard some sniffling.

"With that," Mark said, "let's pray for the renewed hearts and spirits of this new family. Elizabeth, if you'll come up here and pray with them," and Elizabeth did. Both Sid and Michelle locked hands with her. All three of them had tears in their eyes. "When two people get married, it's not just them who are involved. Now, we want to bond all three of the members of this beautiful, Godly family. If you'll pray with me…"

He prayed over their marriage, over their family, and he prayed for protection from any of the temptations that might enter in to a marriage. Sid gripped Cassie's hand as they prayed for this. I love you, he was saying. And I'm in this forever.

Mark then said 'amen,' and followed that with, "You may kiss your bride. Again." Everyone laughed at the apparent humor of getting married twice, only this time no legal paper needed to be signed. Sid leaned in, pulled Cassie up to him and kissed her. "Happy one year anniversary," he whispered as he pulled away. Cassie smiled up at him. Everyone cheered, and clapped.

JJ squeezed Effie's hand, and she leaned into him. Michelle smiled at Tony. Sid was happy, truly happy, for the first time in a while. It was a small ceremony, enough that they were able to seat everyone at one table for dinner. Sid looked around the table. This is what his life needed to stay like. Even though they wouldn't always be on a moonlit lake surrounded by their friends and family, they needed to stay this in love.

FIN.


	14. fairies and fallen gods alt ending

Sid and Cassie both hit the bed exhausted that night. He kissed her but neither of them felt like doing anything else. Cassie had wondered aloud if anyone actually had sex on their wedding nights. "Better than the first wedding, don't you think?" ventured Sid. She laughed, closing her eyes. "A million times so. Do you want to have sex, Sid? Because I could-" she started to sit up, shrug off her dress.

He gently coaxed her back down. "No, I'm too tired, and you are as well." She sighed happpily. He held her hand and leaned over her, watching her drift off to sleep. He wasn't tired enough to fall asleep, so he waited until she was in a deep sleep and had dropped his hand before getting up off the bed.

He pulled the comforter up to Cassie's neck and kissed her forehead. A million guys before him him had thought of their girlfriends and wives as angels – it was hopelessly cliche. But the moonlight shone on the bed, making her silver glitter eyeshadow sparkle. And there she was, gathered up in the linen sheets and the down comforter, flowers in her intricately braided hair. She really did look perfect. So he got their journal out of his backpack, along with his pencil and pen.

He sat in the cushioned fireside chair, and he drew her, her peaceful yet sad face, the curls falling out of her braid, the flowers peeking out of her blond hair. She kept saying she wanted to die it brown. It wasn't like she wouldn't look good in brown hair, but she was breathtaking in blonde. He put the journal down, walked over and picked up one of the flowers that had fallen, and put it in the journal under the drawing. There was a stack of heavy looking encyclopedias on the desk in the corner of the room, so he stacked all of the encyclopedias ontop of the journal to press the flower into the page.

He decided to go exploring around the house. James had lent him and Cassie the house for the honeymoon weekend. They had enthusiastically accepted his offer, then felt awkward yet charmed when they arrived in the bedroom to a basket of lubrication and condoms. The house was beautiful, and he'd give anything to live here. He found himself hoping that James would ask his mom to marry him so that he could be here more often. The house was cold at night. He found a card on the kitchen table.

We love you two – happy weekend!

Love,

EVERYONE.

Everyone had signed a little note in the card. He found himself wanting to curl up to Cassie even if he couldn't sleep, so he grabbed the last bottle of champagne, walked upstairs, and did just that.

Alternate Ending – fairies and fallen gods

Sid sat in one of the chairs in the reception area in James' backyard and uncorked the last bottles of champagne. Sufjan Stevens still played on the speakers softly. He hadn't noticed before, but Michelle was cleaning up the remainder of the party, putting away chairs and tables in the shed, barefoot in her blue halter top dress with blistered feet.

"Aren't you tired?" She asked him as he generously sipped the champagne. She picked up the chairs around his table.

"Still winding down," he answered. He watched her perfect, sparkly eyes and her soft form.

"The wedding was beautiful, Sid," she said. She twirled a bit in the moonlight. Everything had an ethereal glow, even Michelle. The moonlight here made all the women look like fairies, and the men like fallen gods.

Effie and JJ sat in a canoe on the lake. Tony was going to pick them up in a while when he picked up Michelle. Effie didn't want to leave. JJ almost tipped the tiny canoe over by laying back on it, resting his head on her purse and his jacket. She smiled down at him, then lay gently on him, resting her head on his chest. "You look amazing tonight, Eff," JJ said quietly as he rested his hand between her shoulder blades.

"You're not so bad yourself."

"Do you want to, you know, do anything tonight, Effie? I mean, it's the perfect opportunity. Alone in a canoe, in the middle of the night…"

"Now, we're perfect right now."

He ran his hand through her hair, counting the constellations he could pick out. "Yeah, I guess we are, huh?"

"Can I stay a while, Sid?" Michelle asked. He nodded. She lay down in the hammock under the gently swishing trees. She would get up soon, she thought. When Tony got here. She would let Sid alone tonight.

But he was walking over to her, until he stood, leaning one arm against the tree, looking down a her. They were playing with fire, she thought. She was breathtaking, and he couldn't help but stare. She didn't seem to mind. Everything about her lit him on fire tonight. Her beautiful curly hair, coming undone and tickling her shoulders.

Her breath was short with the same tension he felt, making him notice her breasts straining against he halter top. The way that, curled up, her dress came up above her knees, and as she shifted, hiked up her thighs. He loosened his tie, bent over her. He didn't have to think about what to do next. She pulled him down by his tie and, finally, her soft lips met his. He moaned, pressed his forehead against hers, rested his hands on her shoulders.

Then he kissed her again. She devoted her energy to undressing him, but he just concentrated on the kiss. It was everything. She coaxed him ontop of her, but all he wanted was to experience that kiss again. Right now, that was enough. That's all he wanted now, or forever.

Fuck the rest of the world and all the people in it. For now, his world was complete. This was enough.

Effie and JJ and a considerable amount of fun getting the canoe on the beach when it began to rain. First, trying to get up, they knocked it over, both of them squealing. They ended up dragging it, one on each end, finally getting it onto solid ground. "Well," said JJ, as they started walking back to meet Tony. "That was practical."

Effie couldn't stop giggling. "Well at least we don't have to worry about the rain."

"Good point."

Tony waited for Effie and Michelle in his car, but then decided to see if she needed any help cleaning up. Upon discovering Sid and Michelle in the hammock, he decided to go inside. They were at least being quiet, he thought. He had to give them credit for that. He followed a trail of flower petals that had fallen from Cassie's hair up to the bedroom. He had to just stand and watch her for a while, taken aback and captivated by her.

He sat down on the bed. She opened her eyes.

"Tony, what-" he put his finger on her lips.

"Where's Sid?" He got up and signaled for her to fllow him. She fixed her dress and followed him downstairs to the window in the sunroom. She stood in front of him and he put his hands on her shoulders as she observed Sid and Michelle. "Well," she whispered. "It's safe to say it's over now, isn't it?" Tony kissed the back of her neck. He gently slipped his thumb into the strap of her dress, letting it fall down her arm.

They both sat back on the loveseat. He gently undid her hair and it fell gracefully, flower petals dropping all over his lap. The other strap of her dress fell with her shivering and sniffling. She breathed in and let her dress fall to her waist. Tony wrapped his arms around her and she closed her eyes, leaned into him. "Just stay like this, Tony," she requested. "Right here is perfect."

'He kissed her cheek and lay back on the loveseat with her, closing his eyes as well. He gently ran his hands through her hair, undoing the braids. She only lasted so long before she turned toward him, that green sweater he was wearing perfect for nestling her face into and crying. She let her feet fall to the ground beside his, and his arms envelop her, his lips kiss her forehead. "Right here is perfect."

Effie could see Sid and Michelle in the hammock, sleeping, limbs wrapped around limbs. She stepped on the deck to look for Tony, and caught sight of him and Cassie in the sunroom. JJ, ever the nervous and awkward one, waited for her on the grass. "I think we're walking home, JJ," she said, walking ahead of him, past Tony's car. He caught up with her and took her hand.

"Is everything okay, Effie?"

"Yes, JJ. Everything is fine."

They walked hand in hand to her and Tony's apartment changed their clothes in seperate rooms. Effie gave a hesitant JJ some clothes of Tony's while she threw theirs in the dryer. He brewed some tea and Effie turned on the television and soon they found themselves cuddling on the couch. "It felt like Freds and Cook where there tonight, Effie, you know? Sitting with us. It's like I could feel them there."

Effie nodded while he combed her wet hair with his hands. "Do you think either of them would be jealous?" She closed her eyes, asking him.

"No. I mean, of course they would, if they were alive. Although…you'd be with Fred if they were alive, so it wouldn't be an issue. But right now, Effie? I think they're glad we're happy. We're happy, right? Because I'm happy."

She sat up to look at him. "Yes, I'm happy." JJ looked nervous. He put down his tea. "What is it?"

"Effie can I…can I umm…" and then Cook's voice came into his mind. 'stop being such a wimp and kiss her already.' So he did – he listened to imaginary Cook's voice and leaned into her. A bit clumsily, he kissed her. She smiled.

"Yes. You can do it again, if you'd like." He was still nervous, so she pulled him toward her by his shirt collar and kissed him. Yes, she thought. We're happy.


End file.
